gazuntight,

i'm pretty sure it's almost impossible for me to be happy.

because when something is going great,

something ruins it for me.

either that be someone else,

a dream that scares me half to death,

or a sickness of some sort.

this case? 

a sickness of some sort.

pretty sure it's just a cold.

oh, and my phone keeps wigging out.

like, flashing the screen,

deleting random old messages...

it's getting annoying.

can't i be happy and healthy, ever?

why are there no happy moments of peace?

it's getting super annoying.

why want to be happy,

when things will go wrong at that time the most?

just gotta keep my head up i guess.

the grass is always greener on the other side?

i just heard an amazing quote.

"thank you for the storms in my life,

without them the sunshine would be boring."

amazing. (:

good qualities.

i'm going to be frank.

because i have a headache,

so i can't really...

write anything that creative.

i'm going to write all of the qualities,

good ones, of course,

that i like in a guy.

call me picky, or stuck up, whatever.

it's what i've learned that i like in guys.

guys have to be relaxed. chill. 

they don't have to go out all the time.

staying in watching a movie is great for them.

a guy has to give good hugs.

because i feel love by being touched.

they have to deal with my nerd side.

i like guys that have more to hug, not planks of wood.

humor is an important thing for me, too.

noses... i like to tell what a person is like by their nose.

they have to smell delicious. like all the time.

nice eyes, i like brighter ones, compared to my dark ones.

i don't like initiating a hang out. they have to take control.

be able to make decisions when i can't.

not be afraid to hang out with my huge family on holiday's.

they have to know how to cheer me up.

not mind watching romantic comedies with me, and not laugh when i giggle.

be open with me. let me in, tell me your thoughts.

shy guys are generally the ones i like more for some reason.

they have to watch scary movies with me. and cuddle.

well, they have to be good kissers. haha.

no being two-faced. they are themselves around me.

they sing to the radio in the car. even if they're bad.

be active in the church, planning on a mission, go to mutual, etc.

like animals, especially mine.

they chew gum like i do, almost a pack everyday. 

when we do go out, they're a gentleman.

they should be nice to me anyways...

aren't embarrassed about their family.

enjoys little kids... i have plenty of nephews.

listens to music a lot. a variety of music.

understands my lack of self confidence.

has themselves some purple pride!

not constantly busy, likes a laid back life.

will go shopping with me, and tell me what looks good.

won't mind having guy time while i have girl time.

plays video games with me.

oh man, they have to be good texters.

a good speller, but if they aren't, they aren't in denial about it.

likes candy. and food. and eating.

will dance with me.

likes my friends, and my friends like him, 

and the same with his friends for me,

being able to hang out with each other and our friends.

you seriously have to be honest.

and you don't lie to me, break my trust.

can make food. isn't completely incapable of living by himself.

having a car is a good thing.

that's a big list...

i could have gone longer.

but just because you don't have some of these,

doesn't mean you don't have a chance.

it's just some things that i enjoy.

i'm not really picky.

this is just my dream guy.

anyways, yes. that's how that is.

a great point of view.

you would be lucky to have me.

would i be lucky to have you?

questions?

this is exactly what i didn't want.

why did i keep telling myself that i didn't like you?

because i didn't want to care.

if you didn't like me back,

it wouldn't matter.

dust off my shoulder, move on.

of course, things change.

i couldn't stop myself.

things just happen, i guess.

and i'm at the risk of rejection, again...

even though it's still not concrete.

i could still not like you.

but i still care about you more than i wanted to.

gah, it's so frustrating.

because you probably don't like me back.

what am i supposed to do, then?

i mean, i don't even like you that much.

you're kind of a jerk sometimes.

seriously, i'm not joking about that.

but i guess i like jerks.

shy guys, and guys that like to sing to the radio.

why'd it have to be you?

and since it's you, why couldn't this,

whatever this thing is,

happen earlier than it has?

i know things happen for a reason,

what is the reason for this?

i have so many freaking questions.

i'm to the point where i just want to ask.

ask you where you stand.

what is this all about.

but i still feel like it's too soon.

i don't want to ruin things for the future.

but what if i don't say anything,

and that ruins a possible future?

why can't you just do something to prove it.

make it perfectly clear for me.

so i can make a move,

and not fear rejection.

because this is getting ridiculous.

thanks to you,

my mother thinks i need medication.

gosh, hormonal teenagers.

this is what you do to me.

celebrate the irony!

hmm,

i decided i can play with emotions well.

like, through this blog.

i can make you feel like you're pissed off.

just because i happen to be right now.

but also in real life.

the best part about yesterday?

a kid in my last period class...

he looked at me and said with wide eyes,

"you look pissed off."

matter of fact, i wasn't pissed off.

just pretty depressed at the moment.

but i suppose i looked pissed off.

and then, kelsy, told me today,

that i just seemed sad.

i guess it's easy to tell when i'm not normal.

because i'm normal so often?

that would be my guess.

since i don't usually show my unhappy emotions?

maybe that's it.

it was almost an accomplishment, but not quite.

i didn't relish in the moment.

just thought it was interesting, was all.

people can tell when i'm not happy.

that means something, i'm not sure what yet, though.

i'm pretty bummed i didn't see a certain someone today.

and that i can't make that certain someone happy.

i feel like a waste of space.

when i can't make someone happy.

seriously, it's a tragic feeling.

because then i'm just terribly sad with them.

which, i believe, is what's happening right now.

but i was more pissed off earlier.

it just happened.

i went from crying, to just sad, and now to pissed off.

this whole thing will be over by next week, i'm sure of it.

i also just decided that i'm completely pathetic.

since i'm at home, with nothing to do,

i watch movies, hopeless romantic types,

of course, because, well, you know..

and i just expect some text or something.

'hey, want to come hang out?'

'hey, want to watch a movie or something?'

like i'm cool enough to hang out with you.

which, i'm not, so...

that's all you need to know about that subject.

one of my most favorite songs...

let's dance to joy division, by the wombats...

is seriously an amazing song.

want to hear some lyrics?

okay. i'll add it to my playlist later.

let's dance to joy division, and celebrate the irony,

everything is going wrong, but we're so happy!

let's dance to joy division, and raise our glass to the ceiling,

because this could all go so wrong,

but we're so happy, yeah we're so happy!

so if you're ever feeling down, grab your purse and take a taxi

to the darkest side of town, that's where we'll be

and we will wait for you, and lead you through the dance floor,

up to the dj booth, you know what to ask for, you know what to ask for...

cries to the moon.

i'm tired of talking about myself.

tired of talking about you.

because i feel like people are sick of it.

i'm sick of it.

i should just stop talking.

but i can't. 

there's nothing else on my mind.

get out of my head. 

seriously, it's starting to bug me.

because i'm pretty much one hundred percent sure,

that i'm not in your mind.

like, at all. 

if i am, well, you suck.

because you don't act like it.

then again, i probably don't either,

so i suppose i suck as well.

awesome, look at this blog.

aslkf;wlker.

my mom left to oklahoma today.

i'm going to start crying.

she's going to be gone for seven weeks.

with my sister, grooming dogs.

i've gone to my dad's house for six weeks.

never cried when i was leaving my mom...

at least, where she could see me.

it's different now.

because i'm at home,

and she's the one leaving me.

i actually didn't cry when she was leaving.

something that was hard to accomplish.

but throughout the day, i had to stop myself.

my step-dad and i don't get along that great.

when we're by ourselves, anyways.

now we'll be together..

for seven weeks, without my mom.

who am i going to ask if i look good?

where am i supposed to go when i'm sad?

or talk about you to?

basically, i'm at a loss here.

i told myself today that i have no friends.

because i really don't.

at least at school.

besides kelsy, madison, and raquel.

all of them have better places to be.

i guess i've done this to myself.

because i'm shy unless i know someone.

then i don't really talk to anyone else.

my lack of self confidence has done that.

i got my senior pictures taken.

by josh's older brother glenn, who did amazing.

i refused to smile because of my confidence.

everyone kept saying that i'm beautiful,

ooh, ahh,

i don't believe so... 

seriously, i'm not looking for attention.

there is seriously something wrong with me.

but of course, i don't want to talk about it.

i don't want to talk about myself.

because i annoy people.

i don't know when to stop talking.

even for this blog.

look how long it is?

just because i can't stop talking.

so.. i'm going to force myself right now.

good night moon.

oh, i remembered this today. i love it.

if only if only the woodpecker sighs,

the bark on the trees were as soft as the skies,

the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,

and cries to the moon, if only if only.

atop the beast.

who knew.

that a little pressure from your thumb,

could move something that weighs more,

than me and you combined?

that in one split second,

a wrong turn, a hidden trench,

could severely hurt us both?

it's like we were riding a beast.

powerful, strong... 

scary, at times.

but with you, i was safe.

it's been a while since i felt that way.

the silence of the earth around us.

white ground, brown ground,

didn't matter, i was safe.

atop the beast that roared,

growled whenever you pressed it further.

hours we spent, roaming the mountains.

watching for deer and puddles of mud.

not getting cold until the very end.

and then, we were in another beast.

this one provided heat as we sat in it's belly.

and looked for double 00's,

split SS's.

thanks for the fun day.

maybe we could do it again.

i'd surely like to.

...uhh?

this is so weird.

why am i not getting butterflies?

why can't i picture us together?

i just don't understand.

everything is so twisted right now.

yet, everything is fine.

it's like alice in wonderland.

or maybe it isn't...

wow, i don't even know how to..

express.. anything...

i'm just going to stop while i'm ahead.

weak points.

i'm sorry if you're tired of hearing about me.

but i'm a topic that's easy to talk about.

at least, for me, i am.

i'm the type of person..

that listens to everyone's problems.

i tell them my point on things.

or i just listen. i'm there for them.

as stated earlier today.

when i talk about my things, i feel selfish.

like i talk about myself too much.

and usually i deny what people say to me.

i'm not pretty, stop telling me.

that type of stuff.

so i take all of the criticism and brush it.

under the rug, the one that's brown and green.

mentally, in my head, of course.

i get over things. out of sight, out of mind.

then.. i have an overload.

just one night.. like tonight.

everything that's been happening,

the rug just implodes, exposing everything.

causing one giant waterfall.

the realization of the situation hits me.

and half the time i don't have someone to talk to.

or if i do, they don't know what to say.

sometimes it's better to not say anything.

just hug me.

but i haven't been hugged in a while.

i deserve more hugs.

there i go, being selfish again...

anyways, i just got over my explosion.

wanted you all to know that the strongest,

sometimes, have their weak points.

i'm here for you.

i care about people too easily.

that makes me a caring person.

but then it makes me feel like crap.

if something bad happens to someone...

that i happen to care about?

i'm willing to do whatever it takes.

to help them. make them think of something else.

most of the time, though,

that certain person won't accept it.

unfortunately, they'd rather wallow in their sadness.

then i just turn annoying.

because i hate living in sadness.

i may be unhappy, but i don't want others to be.

funny. i think i push people away.

when people try and help me.

but if they push enough, i'll let them in.

most of the time they don't.

and i know that when i'm at that state,

when people have stopped trying to help,

all i really want is a shoulder to cry on.

so even if i'm annoying to someone..

i want to be that shoulder for them.

my mom taught me that, i think.

to just.. be there for someone.

no matter how far they've pushed you away.

it's like the rubber band theory...

they pull away,

but will always come back.

i have to keep telling myself that.

i'm here for you if you need me.

personality tests.

i took some personality tests today.

they were creepily accurate.

so, i'm going to tell them to you.

thanks to mrs. stott for allowing me to take them.

i don't have a strong sense of family.

i'm not good at remembering dates.

i'm emotional and naive.

i could care less for details.

i'm a risk taker.

and i'm insecure.

along with being positive and optimistic.

and innovative and active.

the pig's tail was my love life.

it was a normal size, i suppose.

along with his ears, which is my listening.

i'm less concerned about myself and

i deal with people more.

i'm lonely, i have self doubt, and i'm unhappy.

i trust myself, and i'm proud of my

emotional impulses.

i enjoy one type of close friends.

my friends are spontaneous and natural.

and i don't have a separation from my friends.

my list of priorities, the top being the highest.

also my favorite animals, top being the favorite.

cow - career.

monkey - money.

sheep - love.

tiger - pride.

horse - family.

coffee is brown to me.

sex is brown to me.

ocean is salty to me.

my life is salty to me.

a dog is loyal to me.

my personality is loyal.

cats are sweet to me.

my romantic partner will be sweet.

a rat is gross.

so are my enemies.

kelsy is yellow to me.

that means she'll never forget me.

madison is white to me.

she's my soul mate.

chase is orange to me.

that means he's a real friend.

my mother is green to me.

i will always remember her.
raquel is red to me.
she's the one i really love.

i dunk my oreos in milk. that means...

everyone likes me because i'm always

upbeat. i like to sugar coat unpleasant

experiences, and i rationalize bad situations

into good ones. i'm in total denial about the

shambles i call life. i have a possible

tendency for a narcotic addiction.

that sounds a lot like me..

believe it or not.

if you didn't know that stuff,

well here you go. (:

are you?

sometimes i wish that these feelings would just go away.

i don't like thinking about you all the time.

it's torture telling everyone i don't like you.

it might just be my hunger,

but you're clenching up my stomach.

i don't get butterflies around you.

sure, i love being around you.

something about you makes me smile.

i'm comfortable around you.

but...

my mind knows better.

it knows that if i fall for you,

i'll just get hurt.

i don't know if that's true or not.

but my mind thinks so.

there's a battle going on inside me.

what could happen,

and what i want to happen.

i don't even know if i want it to happen.

i'm so conflicted.

are you?

sugah cookeh.

sometimes i feel like a sugar cookie.

rolled out, stretched almost too thin.

put under lots of pressure.

drying out, almost burning.

i feel like it's the end...

then i get rescued. 

taken out of that place i was so uncomfortable in.

to be taken off of the heat,

away from the pressure.

out of the way of danger.

by a complete stranger.

or someone i remember from before.

then they dress me up nice.

make me realize that i'm prettier than i thought.

pretty enough to eat?

i think so.

if the icing is the right color, of course.

broken record.

i'm just going to end up repeating myself in this.

you can't judge a person by their cover.

i'm sorry, it's just... basically impossible.

unless they tell you everything about themselves,

on a tattoo on their skin or something.

because not everyone is as happy as they seem.

something might be happening in their family.

they might be personally hurting.

but the strongest people are the ones,

that can put up a front, and make you believe

what they want you to believe.

teachers that automatically assume that someone

was walking around the school instead of 

coming to their class... piss me off.

because that doesn't have to be the reason.

what if their favorite dog died that morning?

what if their family lost their house the night before?

there are so many things that could have happened.

and that's why i try not to assume negative things about people.

i'd rather say, oh, that person looks nice,

than say, oh, that person looks like a douche bag.

because i have no idea what that person is going through.

i'm hoping that the person will like me enough to tell me.

if not, i will eventually learn on my own.

because i read people well. i feel their emotions.

so usually i can tell their day is suckish without them telling me.

then i automatically turn into happy person.

even if i'm having a terrible day myself.

i'd rather help someone else feel better.

in turn, i make myself feel better.

it's almost a win win situation.

the only bad thing is that people usually don't know

when i'm not happy. because i get over things

easily, and then.. it's like. only certain people

care to make things better. 

so please, don't judge people before you know.

seriously. i can't press this enough.

i'm probably sounding like a broken record.

because this is something i strongly believe.

goodnight.

fizz in a soda bottle.

you're on display, with your friends.

every day people see you.

just looking at you.

sometimes you wish someone would choose you.

then one day, someone actually does.

but it's not someone you expected.

just like a soda bottle,

you get shaken up.

they dropped you, off of that place where you thought you were.

it takes a while for you to calm down.

but after small moments with them,

each and every time, they get closer to you.

closer to the prize that is yourself...

your personality. your looks.

everything is concealed within.

then, when you're done being shaken up,

everything is calm.

and what do you know, you get to touch their lips.

it was just a matter of being patient.

anticipation for that time,

when you get to taste that awesomeness.

and then it feels like everything was worth it.

if you don't wait, you just get a lot of carbonation in your face.

or up your nose.

and nobody likes that.

thank you kyle, for giving me inspiration,

by dropping your pepsi bottle in math class.

i'm readin' a book.

yes. i'm reading the book of mormon.

surprised?

well, i kinda was myself.

i figured it's about time i do.

and already, i'm only a couple of chapters in...

there are a lot of things that i like.

i'm going to highlight everything.

so.. i hope my highlighter doesn't run out.

because i like to smell my scriptures.

the highlighter smells like ice cream.

heh. nerdy, i know.

but yeah. i'm reading a book.

julian smith made that song?

it's amazing.. so simple...

and it's all hardcoreish when it's about 

something that isn't.

reading books. (:

i love reading books.

basically, i haven't read in a while.

something i should start up again.

reading is great for vocabulary.

so you can sound smarter!

haha. anyways. that is all.

read books.

lyk, omg.

i'm so excited for sweethearts.

a senior like myself should be more involved with the school.

being a third wheel isn't that fun.

kudos for graduating.

i need a job.

or money, you know, whatever comes first.

my three goals for dance?

be amazing at turns.

graduate.

find love.

basically, i'm a nerd when it comes to love.

i know what not to do.

but when something happens, i'm clueless.

hopeless romantic.

that's what i am. 

forever and for always.

as;ldkfja;wlekrna;slkfdawer.

frustration, to the complete max.

because it's there, i know it is.

there just is something that tells me not to tease it.

it's like when you know there's something in the bush.

noise is coming from it, and you can even see it's tail.

but do you want to pull it out of the bush to investigate?

it could be something really bad, and could attack you.

or it could be something cute..

like a squirrel or something.

that's where my mind is at right now.

and i found out today, that i suck at drawing boxes.

like, all technical like and whatnot.

basically, i know i already said this, but i need money.

boopity boop boop.

OH MY HECK MY PHOTOSHOP STARTED WORKING AGAIN.

talk about an amazing discovery.

yeah.

beef stew is my best friend.

i really want to go swimming sometime soon.

gas is needed in my car.

something i really want to do?

put a slice of cheese on the sidewalk.

and take a picture of it everyday.

for like, a month.

or two months. depending on what happens.

see if it'll do what happened in diary of a wimpy kid.

good idea? 

i think so.