the brittany.

i thought things would change.

different stories to tell my children someday.

well, it didn't.

i awaited the new year, prepared to start over.

make this blog my top priority.

but i'm the type of person...

that once i fail, i give up.

i back out. i don't keep trying.

because what's the point if i'm not perfection?

it's a terrible state of mind, but it's mine.

so to catch up on myself, i'll tell you some things.

i started a bucket list.

basically, a list of things i want to do before i die.

it's very elaborate, as someone has told me.

full of detail, and complex.

but in my mind, it's not.

something i watch in a movie that i want to do,

i write it down. and even, be in a movie is on there.

lately, i've been telling myself i'm sexually frustrated.

deprived of sexual attention. 

wanting someone to touch me so i feel important.

today in church, i spoke.

there was also a return missionary sitting next to me.

very cute kid, i'll confess.

when he spoke, he spoke in spanish.

to see if people could feel the spirit, no matter the language.

truthfully, i felt that spirit.

but then he stopped, saying that people couldn't feel the spirit.

i had to remind myself that it's not about the sexual frustration.

watched eat, love, pray today.

that movie... inspired me.

made me understand it's not about the sex, or the attraction.

it's about the love, and what you feel for that person.

one of my favorite quotes from that movie...

"ruin is the road to transformation,"

basically saying, everything has to suck before you get to the new.

i want to save myself for my husband because i think..

that will show him how much i really love him.

but at the same time, i want to fall in love.

hopelessly, courageously, emotionally... fall in love.

the love doesn't need the sex in my eyes.

surely it helps, but it isn't needed.

i'm going to spend a day in silence.

to just listen. because if we listen, we understand.

my mind is all over the place right now, i had to write about it.

just because... it's been extremely crazy lately.

and that's my fault. my life is crazy because i'm making it crazy.

maybe i should start meditating or something.

eating, praying, loving.

because i'm afraid to fall in love.

...but the lord knows how much i want to.