feeling old.

my back hurts.

i want someone to lean on.

because it's really sweet.

when you're crying,

and they're there to wipe your tears.

i can't go to the chiropractor.

because we don't have the money.

so i get to sit in pain for longer.

and it's getting worse.

church.

my parents went to church with me today.

for the first time in years.

just because of the whole house thing.

i wish it was because of a different reason.

but i'm glad it happened, anyways.

i didn't get embarrassed.

something was just.. not there.

because i knew they didn't believe anything.

i don't know.

not in the best mood ever all the sudden.

meh.

i.

i'm sorry if i've ever been mean to you.

i'm not out of your league.

i'm not that pretty.

i have very low self esteem.

i let people walk all over me.

i get led on fairly easily.

i fall for people too quickly.

i cry a lot.

i'm a dancer that is afraid to dance.

i don't like being nice to people i like.

i ruin things with people i love.

i get embarrassed over really stupid things.

i get accused of everything.

i think too deeply about things.

i like planning things out.

i don't like when plans fall through.

i tend to smother people i adore.

i don't get enough hugs.

i thrive off of being touched.

i'm ten times more shy around people i don't know.

i'm a nerd.

i spend my life on the computer.

i regret not getting out and doing things.

i'm deathly afraid of rejection.

i cry when i think of what my friends go through.

i don't understand a lot of things.

i push people away.

if i got angry enough, i could beat you up.

i'm not afraid to be rude to someone.

i speak my mind when it's needed.

i think someone is always watching me.

i'm not nice to people that exclude themselves.

i don't like dates.

i'd rather stay at home and watch movies.

i am lonely.

i have no friends.

i don't like my personality or body.

i'm pretty depressed most of the time.

i think about my nephews before i fall asleep.

i started crying while writing this.

i miss my father.

i sometimes wish i was a boy.

i enjoy rated r movies because they teach me about the world.

i'm a hypocrite.

i don't want my friends to go on missions.

i know missions are good.

i wish i spent more time with my cousins.

i write a lot of feelings down.

i lost my journal.. and i hate myself for it.

i feel like i'm killing my goldfish.

i'm a pack rat.

i'm afraid to clean my room.

i try not to think of the past.. or the future.

i wish i could run away sometimes.

i hate it when people don't text me back.

i hate it when people take what i say seriously.

i don't like when what i didn't want to happen.. happens.

i'm scared of police officers.

i want a lot of money, even though i hate it.

i'm writing too much on here. and no one reads it.

i'm pessimistic about myself, optimistic about others.

i wish for a different life sometimes.

i really need to go to bed.

i won't be able to sleep tonight.

story.

i would like to write a story.

okay, not a story, i suppose.

a book. a full out book.

with chapters and everything.

but i need a good idea.

that hasn't been done.

i love writing about action and romance.

there shall be a lot of dialog. 

so if you have any ideas,

please let me know. (:

if you want to be in the book,

then also let me know.

i'll change your name, but give them

your personality. 

because i'm cool like that.

haha, just kidding.

but yeah. i'm serious about this.

any ideas, plots, settings, would be awesome.

money money money.

we got an eviction notice on our house.

three days to pay at least $2300 dollars.

because we've had some rough patches,

i lost my job, so did my mom,

so we couldn't just live off of my step-dad's income.

and we ask the church.

my parents aren't active.

my step-dad hates the church.

what does the church say?

"we'll pay it if you come to church."

i go to church basically every sunday.

so i'm alright.

my parents haven't gone for years.

especially with their strong views upon

the church. because my step-dad is bitter.

i'm afraid i'll lose my house.

because my step-dad has lost his faith.

what am i supposed to do?

at least i have friends that love me.

that would allow me to live with them.

until my parents found a new place to live.

while they live in a camper.

i just wish things were different.

i wish i had more money.

because

money money money,

must be funny,

in a rich man's world.

says abba. real lines of truth, there.

if everyone had money, life wouldn't

be fantastic. we'd find other ways to be better.

wear gold stars on our forehead.

something, anything, to be better than one another.

which is a freakin' stupid way to live.

alright, i HATE money.

it is stupid. non-avoidable.

and a lot of people aren't grateful.

for anything they receive.

sure makes me change for the better.

i'm willing to sell everything i have.

just to keep this house.

because your life is terrible,

if you don't have a home to place your heart.

falling asleep.

i've fallen asleep on him almost every night.

that's such a weird phrase, isn't it?

falling asleep on someone.

it sounds like you literally fell asleep on them.

like while you were watching a movie or something.

but that totally isn't what happened.

i've been texting him for...

hmm, five days?

straight. as soon as i wake up,

until i fall asleep.

there's been, i think, two nights.

where i've told him good night.

other than that, i just fall asleep.

and after me doing it a bunch of times,

he gets the fact that i'm asleep.

i'm just happy that he doesn't get upset.

although he doesn't get mad, i do.

because there was a reason i didn't say goodnight.

i enjoy talking to him.

because i feel like if i go to sleep,

the next day he won't want to talk to me anymore..

or something along those lines.

and the funny thing is... i always wake up.

maybe two, four hours later.

in the wee hours of the morning.

and realize that i fell asleep.

i read his laughing at me text messages,

and smack myself in the head.

i go to reply, and figure that he's asleep.

so i just go back to sleep and wait until morning.

because most of the time i get up before him.

it may be just texting.

but at least i have someone to talk to.

with the world as hard as it is.

and i can't wait for him to play a song for me. (:

thinking back.

today in seminary,

i thought back.

on everything that had been a turning point

in my life.

it started with my parents getting divorced.

then them getting remarried.

how my mom took me to church.

when i bore my testimony to kelsy's church.

oh, and before then, my baptism.

when my first nephew was born.

the list went on and on.

it made me realize that lots of big things have happened.

but yet, i'm still here.

nothing has stopped me so much,

that i couldn't go on living.

that made me feel really good.

because i kept on truckin'.

donkey kong country returns is a great game.

i love my nephews so much.

have you ever expected something.

you were almost one hundred percent sure,

that it was going to happen,

because every hint or clue,

led you to believe it was bound to happen,

and then it didn't?

just like that, you had planned things out.

and what do you know, it doesn't happen.

i greatly dislike that feeling.

makes me not want to have hope for anything.

because that small stepping stone of hope,

led to the real big hope.

that i'm not so sure of anymore.

he's at the ocean for the first time.

i wish i was there with him.

the moon.

it hits me like a meteor.

because i feel like the moon.

sometimes i like it.

because i believe it makes me stronger.

perhaps it even makes me prettier.

easy to look up to, because i know what people think.

i change myself for them.

people try and lasso me out of the sky.

give them to someone they love..

alright, that was weird. cough.

i don't mind criticism.

as long as it's constructive.

make myself better after receiving it.

although i don't receive it well.

because it feels like a blow to my personality.

"you don't sound good when you talk. enunciate better."

something along those lines.

pretty much, i get embarrassed by stuff like that.

although i shouldn't.

because according to my own words, i need it.

i guess i just want to know what people think.

even though they tell you to ignore that.

most of the time i don't.

it's just criticism, harmful or not.

makes me like the moon, pelted and glowing.

circling around the world with no where else to go.

artificial.

so many different personalities,

combining, to like one other personality.

it's hard to explain.

i don't get it.

how come i'm getting all of the attention?

but yet, it's all artificial.

doesn't mean anything, nothing will go anywhere.

i'm not special.

just one of those likable personalities.

an attractive personality.

but that still doesn't mean much.

doesn't get me very far in life.

i get my personality from my father.

and my mother, combined.

because i'm definitely not as stressed as my dad.

and not as relaxed as my mother.

just nice and confined in the middle.

oh well. more living is to be done.

you need to live to figure out who you are.

i plan to do just that.

misunderstandings.

alright, i suppose i need to clear some stuff up.

if you're not a virgin,

i don't hate you. i don't think you're bad.

basically, i hope you love whoever you lost it to.

because that's something you can never get back.

which is why i'm saving mine.

my husband already loves me.

i know he'll take care of me, and won't leave me.

at least, i hope he won't.

i would trust my husband enough for that.

then if he's saved himself for me as well,

it'd be like... one big gift exchange.

and just because i'm saving myself,

doesn't mean you can't love before marriage.

by all means, love as much as you can.

you need to have the experience.

so you know how to love your husband correctly.

like myself, for example.

based on all of my sister's lives,

i know pretty much everything that you shouldn't do.

nothing that i'm supposed to do.

so i need to date people that can teach me.

because i don't want to go into a marriage blind.

not knowing what to do, but not doing anything bad.

dating, steady dating, in my opinion, is experience.

you can't go into stuff, jump, without looking first.

that's just what i think, of course.

doesn't mean it's right.

love is just all topsy-turby for me right now.

i don't know what to do.

then again, everything happens for a reason, right?

the brittany.

i thought things would change.

different stories to tell my children someday.

well, it didn't.

i awaited the new year, prepared to start over.

make this blog my top priority.

but i'm the type of person...

that once i fail, i give up.

i back out. i don't keep trying.

because what's the point if i'm not perfection?

it's a terrible state of mind, but it's mine.

so to catch up on myself, i'll tell you some things.

i started a bucket list.

basically, a list of things i want to do before i die.

it's very elaborate, as someone has told me.

full of detail, and complex.

but in my mind, it's not.

something i watch in a movie that i want to do,

i write it down. and even, be in a movie is on there.

lately, i've been telling myself i'm sexually frustrated.

deprived of sexual attention. 

wanting someone to touch me so i feel important.

today in church, i spoke.

there was also a return missionary sitting next to me.

very cute kid, i'll confess.

when he spoke, he spoke in spanish.

to see if people could feel the spirit, no matter the language.

truthfully, i felt that spirit.

but then he stopped, saying that people couldn't feel the spirit.

i had to remind myself that it's not about the sexual frustration.

watched eat, love, pray today.

that movie... inspired me.

made me understand it's not about the sex, or the attraction.

it's about the love, and what you feel for that person.

one of my favorite quotes from that movie...

"ruin is the road to transformation,"

basically saying, everything has to suck before you get to the new.

i want to save myself for my husband because i think..

that will show him how much i really love him.

but at the same time, i want to fall in love.

hopelessly, courageously, emotionally... fall in love.

the love doesn't need the sex in my eyes.

surely it helps, but it isn't needed.

i'm going to spend a day in silence.

to just listen. because if we listen, we understand.

my mind is all over the place right now, i had to write about it.

just because... it's been extremely crazy lately.

and that's my fault. my life is crazy because i'm making it crazy.

maybe i should start meditating or something.

eating, praying, loving.

because i'm afraid to fall in love.

...but the lord knows how much i want to.