kissing.

am i the only one that thinks it should be special?

like your first kiss should be memorable.

something you'll think of, and never forget.

of course, half the time it doesn't happen.

first kisses are always the worst.

but the second ones are better.

at least, for me, that's how it was.

for others, i have heard the same thing. 

then again there are some that don't believe that.

i've been told that 'it's just a kiss.'

as if it's nothing different.

i guess it's understandable coming from a boy.

another certain boy thinks kisses are special.

that they mean something.

which i think is quite sweet of him.

but wanting a kiss just to say you've been kissed...

that angers me. it ruins the point.

get someone you like to kiss you, then.

don't use one of your friends.

even if you're strictly 'just friends'.

that just makes it weird.

because kissing is influential.

one single kiss means a lot.

i've heard that in a movie somewhere.

you can tell everything about a person,

from their kiss. so when you kiss,

you're trying to know someone.

when you kiss someone just for the heck of it,

that knowledge is thrown away.

and i don't like that point of view.

kissing is spontaneous, sweet, cute, everything.

i think kissing in public is okay, too.

making out, not so much.

but a cute little peck...

those make me happy on the inside.

means two people are making an exception for each other.

they're getting to know someone,

someone that they could possibly love.

i don't know. i just like it when...

two people kiss because they like each other.

and when they kiss, there's fireworks.

not a bunch of dead sparklers.

that's what i think. so, yeah.

karalee lewis.

my heart goes out to this girl.

and her family.

because of a car,

she's no longer on this earth.

but i believe she's in a better place.

i've been told by a close friend,

alan harper,

who was one of her friends,

that she was amazing.

had the world at her fingertips.

singing, smart, beautiful.

but as kenny chesney has sung,

"only the good die young,"

and i believe that's true.

she was good. very good.

amazing, i'm sure.

sadly, i didn't know her.

but i went through her pictures.

she seemed to like mustaches.

i really like that about her.

she looks like she was nice,

and funny, and probably a great friend.

so i say, remember the good times.

think of what she would want you to be acting like.

sad and depressed?

maybe for a day or two.

but after that, be happy she's in a better place.

she doesn't have to go through any more trials.

wherever she is, it's nice.

there's a reason why she isn't with us any longer.

because she's fulfilled her purpose.

if you were touched by her in some way,

you're lucky. if she helped you, thank her.

remember her. keep her in your hearts.

be thankful she's safe now.

i wish i could have known her.

all i know is that she meant a lot to a lot of people.

i'm sorry for you all.

and wish you the best.

she's watching over you now. (:

have fun in heaven, karalee lewis.

football.

GO UTES!

ahem.

now that i got that out of the way.

i'll tell you something.

my whole life i've been watching football.

not really paying attention.

but now, i know what's going on.

i have for a couple years now.

there seems to be more technical stuff in it than i thought.

but it's worth the adrenaline.

of course, guys that watch hours of it...

after hour... after hour..

that's a little much.

one game is good for me.

so bring on the bacon wrapped water chestnuts,

and the stuffed mushrooms.

let's watch some football. (:

lazy.

i love being lazy.

and procrastinating.

eh, i'll post a better one tomorrow.

black friday.

i wonder what makes people crazy.

not just head crazy, like every day.

crazy like, shopping at midnight crazy.

i'll admit, i did it myself.

technically i didn't shop.

because i didn't have any money! ha ha ha.

but i went with madison and she bought stuff.

we went to the south towne mall.

it was completely packed.

more people in there than i've ever seen.

ever.

but seriously. what's the point?

shopping for ridiculously low prices...

isn't that what clearance is called?

oh well.

people would rather it be called...

black friday.

thanksgiving.

thanksgiving is wonderful.

spending time with family...

and like i said before,

stuffing our faces.

i helped with the tuna casserole,

and the relish trays.

i accomplished a lot.

then after we eat,

we're going to play games.

play just dance two.

and eventually,

hopefully,

go out shopping for black friday.

it's going to be a great day.

i can feel it. (:

have a happy thanksgiving!

tim doing the dishes.

i should make up some strange concept about doing the dishes.

perhaps it's like... cleaning the people you have used.

because you use them all the time.

wouldn't they get dirty after a while?

lose their sense of usefulness?

maybe the dishwasher is feeling that way.

do you ever clean your dishwasher?

or do you assume that it cleans itself?

just because it washes dishes,

doesn't mean that it is clean on the inside.

just because someone looks happy,

making others feel better,

doesn't mean that they are happy and better themselves.

if you spend your whole life trying to help people,

who's going to help you?

when will it be that you have to be helped.

but i guess you'll have all the people you've helped to back you up.

won't you?

and about those dishes.

they can never find their way home again.

there is no possible way,

to get back to the way they were,

before you got them out and used them.

they probably have to sit in a pit of darkness,

called a kitchen sink,

for a very long time before you actually pay attention to them again.

it may be a silly reference, but have you ever thought about it?

personally, i hate doing the dishes.

maybe now that i've written this,

it won't be half bad.

all of the dirty dishes just went to rehab.

now they're clean.

and their house is empty,

so i have to put them back in their place.

hmm, sounds like a grand idea.

failure.

i hate not being able to help.

especially my friends.

i thought i was fairly good at giving advice.

hmm, guess not.

i'm sorry. i love you.

but i'm just a failure!

precious.

life is precious.

in history class today,

you voted on how precious you think life is.

i rated myself as an eight.

not wanting to say that the lives of murderers are precious.

and earwigs, those aren't precious either.

then we watched the video about the guys.

with the worms.

and it made me laugh.

but i guess precious is a thing...

that has to be thought through.

everything is precious in it's own way.

are you precious? to someone?

to anyone?

what exactly is precious?

puzzling to think about.

i know it gives me a headache.

hectic.

let's just say,

with a lot of people in my house,

it seems really small.

the world is getting that way.

more people, less space.

too much going on.

you can't keep your head on straight.

so you have to live for the little things.

stop and smell the roses,

do whatever it takes.

just to make sure you don't get caught up.

cherish moments like they're your last.

even if they don't feel important.

make them important.

spend time with the people you love.

who knows when you'll be out of time?

when that loved one will be lost forever?

love, with all your heart.

live, with all your might.

laugh, with all your smiles.

learn, to your mind's power.

just be prepared.

this world is too hectic to waste time.

the loves of my life.

i love when my family gets together.

even though it's not everyone,

having the people you care about most

around is the best thing ever.

i have a lot of family.

half, step, in-law, whatever.

you name it, i've got it.

if they all got together,

we'd probably fill a church gym.

but the ones i get to see soon,

are my half family.

bridgit, bobby, jaidin, korbin;

all from las vegas.

brianne, adam, karsen, gabe, kole;

from pleasant grove.

brendi, steven, nobi, conner;

coming from oklahoma.

all here, at my house, for thanksgiving.

we put aside our problems,

our worries, our prejudices,

just to be together and stuff our faces.

i love that.

being with my nephews, the loves of my life.

i'd do anything for them. i really would.

hopefully they know that.

sharing the laughter, the memories.

i miss them.

all of them. all the time.

that's weird, isn't it?

plus we're getting a new dog.

her name is binx.

there are going to be lots of animals, too.

b.b., bruno, bear, booboo, binx, and curly.

five dogs, one cat.

i believe it's going to be a madhouse.

at least i'll be with the ones i love.

liars.

i hate liars.

to find out you were one,

makes me very upset.

pisses me off like no other.

i should have seen the signs.

the mouthwash in your car.

everything in your car smelled bad.

why didn't i realize it?

i guess that's my fault.

even when you carried lighters.

karma is a female dog, my friend.

it has this certain thing...

for the little liars...

just like you.

i'm glad i don't have to deal with that anymore. 

on a lighter note,

thanksgiving is right around the corner.

i'm super excited for this break.

and this weekend.

i'm probably not doing anything,

but hey.

weekends are weekends.

enjoy them while you can!

scratch that.

i know what i'm going to do.

sadly, you don't know that.

haha. i'm a jerk. oh well.

however i get over it.

it will happen.

have a wonderful thursday.

(:

keep fighting.

when the going gets tough,

you don't give up.

you prove people wrong.

keep going.

do everything to go against it.

push against the waves.

not fall into them.

even if you've known them forever.

it's just not worth it to give up.

you can't give up.

no matter what the deal is.

when you give up, all hope is lost.

keep fighting.

make a difference.

be a hero.

stand your ground, live it out.

don't get pushed over.

being a pushover doesn't get anyone anywhere.

you gave up.

when i needed you to be my hero.

something inside you broke.

and the wave took you out to sea.

now we're lost forever.

because you gave up.

i don't know what to do now.

just laugh.

haha.

when you get caught in an awkward situation by your parents,

i suggest you just laugh about it.

because chances are they got caught too.

when they were our age.

probably doing the same thing.

so... just laugh, and hopefully...

they won't get mad at you.

and they'll realize the hilarity in it all.

that's all i have to say today,

just laugh.

hypocrite.

i hate when people judge other people.

"oh, look at that guy. he's a stoner."

sometimes it's obvious, but you don't know.

you don't know why they're the way they are.

there is no way that you can possibly know.

unless they have told you themselves, in which,

you probably wouldn't be saying that to them.

and i'm not a perfect citizen. so saying this,

i suppose i'm kind of a hypocrite. 

but at least i can own up to it.

recently i have been meeting different people.

making friends with lots of people...

that i probably wouldn't be friends with otherwise.

because they're 'stoners'.

when in fact, they're not. 

and even if they were, doesn't mean i am.

plus they can be really amazingly nice.

some of the nicest people in the world come from hard places.

they know what it's like to be hated on.

in fact, they've probably hated on a few people themselves.

but it just makes you want to be a better person.

like treating others how you'd like to be treated.

what if someone is going around saying behind your back,

"oh, she's stuck up."

they don't know you. i don't know you.

but i hate that the most.

when people say, 

"i think i look hot today."

people automatically assume she's stuck up.

or conceited. or self righteous.

when probably, she has the worst self-esteem on the planet.

and trying to think she looks nice boosts her confidence.

maybe it's the same for people that say 

"i think i look terrible today."

it's not always because they're looking for attention.

maybe they're depressed.

all i'm trying to say here is that people that automatically judge people...

stop.

you don't know where they're from.

and they don't know where you're from.

how about we just be nice and say hi once and a while?

not a rude comment under our breath?

please, and thank you.

be a better person. say a compliment.

and that doesn't make you a goody-good.

it makes you nice.

which is probably the best you can be.

be the best you can be.

thoughts.

during the day i don't think about what i'm going to write here.

when i get on my computer, it just kind of comes out.

whatever i'm thinking about at that moment.

but i'm starting to read a book.

it's called hold still, by nina lacour.

there's something special about this book.

when i read it, i go to another place.

then when i'm finished reading, i feel like a space cadet.

but don't get me wrong, the book is amazing.

it's about a girl and how she acts after her best friend dies.

the world kinda crushes around her.

here's an amazing quote from it.

"here's how i feel: people take one another for granted.

like, i'd hang out with ingrid in all of these random places -

in her room or at school or just on some sidewalk somewhere.

and the whole time we'd tell each other things, just say all

of our thoughts out loud. maybe that would have been boring

to some people, but it was never boring to us.

i never realized what a big deal that was. how amazing it is

to find someone who wants to hear about all the things

that go on in your head. you just think that things will stay

the way they are. you never look up, in a moment that feels

like every other moment in your life, and think, soon this will

be over. but i understand more now. about the way life works.

i know that when i finish reading ingrid's journal, there won't

be anything new between us ever again."

that's probably the only thing you'll read in here that's quoted.

but it's a book that is worth reading, if you want a good read.

so go ahead, hold still. 

sleep.

when i go to sleep every night, 

the one thing i think of is my nephews.

i guess that wouldn't be just one thing...

because i have a plethora of nephews.

they're the reason i'm living, i decided.

someone has to make sure they grow up.

that someone can't be a parent, so here i am.

children are such precious things.

except when they're fake with a chip in it,

because that made me stay up all night.

cloee's fake baby... pretty ridiculous.

when you get a lack of sleep because of someone,

maybe because you were thinking about them all night,

would that be a good thing or a bad thing?

because i know that i need sleep to function.

but someone keeps making me lose sleep.

it's almost angering...

i don't know how to explain it.

sleeping is something that everyone needs.

why is it that we stay up late, doing homework,

playing video games...

when our dreams can be twice as better as reality?

some people say that they don't want to go to sleep

because their life is better than their dreams.

i think they're being stupid,

because your next day will be better if you sleep and dream about tomorrow.

garbage.

yesterday was sure adventurous.

i can now say that i've been dumpster diving.

the worst part?

diapers.

the best thing about madison is that was can sit,

and color for hours, and not be bored.

we also wrote a story.

and made pretty epic drawings starting with a KFC bucket.

then we watched dinosaur, what a sad movie that is.

but every fun thing comes to an end eventually.

we all have to grow up,

go to our jobs, finish our responsibilities.

whatever you consider to be growing up.

kind of like driving.

my nephew said to me the other day,

"i didn't know you could get big to drive."

pretty much everything fun requires you to get bigger.

except dumpster diving.

cause the smaller you are, the better.

malk.

today has been a significantly better day.

but i also realized one of my pet peeves.

you know when you open up a milk jug,

and there's little crusties around the rim?

i HATE how some of them fall into my cup.

seriously, it just... irritates me to no end!

i wonder if there is such thing as a devised overreaction.

like your whole mind and body make you freak out about something,

when really you didn't need to at all.

because if there's not a such thing,

i'm pretty sure i just made that up.

soo i get to hang out with madison tonight.

she just makes me happy, i don't know why.

but there's a reason why i know her, and i'm glad i do.

... even though her boyfriend is retarded.

with those flakes that fall from the milk carton.

are they bad for you? since they're dried milk?

wouldn't that be terrible if you got sick from those.

it's almost like... alcohol or something.

delicious to some, poisonous to others.

i have to make up a dance about alcohol.

the movement of people while they're intoxicated.

still trying to figure that out, and it's more difficult than i thought.

hopefully i'll have one of those little lightbulbs pop up.

that way, the dance will be amazing.

let's just hope and drink some malk.

tears.

today i found out that i can't cry at school.

isn't that interesting?

i thought it would be the other way around.

crying for attention, so people feel bad for you.

"are you okay?" 

when they obviously can tell you're not.

but no, something was stopping me.

i'm not sure what, but i'm glad i waited.

when the tears finally came, they were hot.

painful, sad drips down my face.

silly emotions, causing my body to leak.

i went throughout the day in a terrible mood.

the tears that came eventually were a sign of that.

actually, i had been wanting to cry for a few days now.

it was all bottled up and finally came out.

but not everything has to be sad.

i watched toy story three tonight.

after the whole thing was towards the end,

i realized... i have been watching toy story since i was a kid.

andy is seventeen, i'm seventeen.

once that hit me, and he was giving up his toys,

it meant that i had to give them up as well.

then came the other side of my day.

happy tears, tears of closure, of fulfillment.

i don't think i've ever cried so much at a movie.

and it's all the workings of disney and pixar.

to create a movie that has been there my entire life.

that i now must give up with the rest of the world.

silly emotions, making my body leak.

i've had both sad and happy tears today.

all in all, they're just salt water.

heh.

listen to my music?

the snow.

this is terrible. what the heck. 

i'm going to make this as long as possible so a certain person won't read it.

because it's about him..

i understand that not being with someone for a while,

then suddenly getting one, 

might be a big life changer.

that's exactly what it is. a life changer.

if you don't change your life to accommodate,

then what's the point?

i mean, i love the saying 'ho's before bro's'.

and also 'dicks before chicks'.

so that totally makes sense. but.. it is harsh if you don't do it the right way.

i got told today that 'i want to spend all my time with him.'

isn't that what you want? when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

to spend time with them?

especially in the beginning of your relationship.

and to keep it simple, i'm backing off.

not going to find him, he can find me.

that type of standpoint.

but right now, when he leaves and doesn't tell me himself...

that kind of angers me. but oh well, i'll get over it.

being in a relationship takes patience from both sides.

therefore, i'm going to be patient. he's going to have to come to me.

i'll be there for him when he wants me to be.

gosh. what a crappy day today has been.

i hope everyone else's has been better.

because life just isn't worth sweating the small stuff.

( p.s. i love the snow. )

a blog.

i don't think anybody will read this.

but, it's worth a try, i suppose.

i've been having myself some serious deep thinking.

not stuff like, where am i from?

what other things am i here for?

just simple things.

like what does the average person think...

while they're driving?

to make them make stupid decisions?

i don't know. i just know.. that i hate people.

that drive like crazy.

and think it's the best move, when in all actuality,

they could kill someone if that other person wasn't paying attention.

people like that sicken me. ugh!

other than that, a lot of other things run through my head.

like am i being used? aren't we all being used? in a way?

so i shouldn't be selfish and take all of the usage up myself.

how about everyone else get used just like me?

hmm, that sounds like a good point.