the song of a love bird.

i love this song.

fall, go on and fall apart.

fall into these arms of mine,

i'll catch you.

every time you fall,

go on and lose it all.

every doubt,

every fear,

every worry, every tear.

i'm right here.

baby, fall.

sing it to me.

<3

it's not easy being green.

well, i haven't written here for a while.

sorry about that.

a few things have happened.

i'm hoping to get a job at a restaurant soon.

work there all the time,

save up,

buy a car,

get a laptop,

move out,

learn how to live on my own.

because it's not too fun here, when you're trying to be an adult.

i just need a job.

something to keep me occupied.

because i don't have money for school, so...

yeah.

besides that, i've found this site.

it's called tinychat.

i have met some pretty amazing people.

from all around the world.

i spend a lot of time on there.

pretty popular, if you ask me.

but, it doesn't help my confidence.

oh well.

i miss my high school friends.

every day.

but i don't really make an effort to see them,

because i feel like i can't.

so disappointing...

ugh.

all of my sisters are going to be here for christmas this year.

i'm so excited.

i have been cleaning houses to get money,

so i'll be able to buy a few things.

but other than that,

i don't think i'm giving much.

and i'm not getting a lot, either.

which i don't mind.

i would rather see everyone and enjoy my time with them,

then worry about the presents.

christmas always makes me warm and gushy inside.

i love chubbs.

that is all.

peace out girl scout. (:

i swear

this always effin' happens to me.

since when

did you like skanks?

tissues.

crying for four hours straight.

someone stop me.

dale johnson.

a substitute teacher that was at my high school

for my entire high school career.

he was one of the nicest guys i knew.

whenever a teacher was gone,

everyone would say,

"i hope we get dale!"

he was one of the sweetest guys.

amazing. wonderful.

love love loved him.

he'll be very missed.

rip.

who's not dead.
oh well, dedication to him.
people who start rumors are cruel and terrible.
i literally cried over this man,
and he's still living.
i'm wonderfully happy that he's still around.
but whoever started that rumor...
you're :P

100th post in 2011.

so i just watched this movie called 

'something borrowed',

and it was incredible.

very good movie.

but what caught me the most...

was how i related to the main character.

i'm always doing what other people want.

i can't say no.

and i'm one of those people that go,

"oh, he's too good looking for me."

so i'll direct him to one of my friends or away from me,

despite my feelings.

and then i'm just feeling like i don't have any friends right now.

with this whole haunted house deal,

i'm busy every night.

and to begin with, i hate making plans.

i'm socially awkward and i'm almost never comfortable.

home-body extraordinaire.

and i don't feel emotionally ready for any type of commitment.

i feel that i'm at a moment that i really need to find myself...

the problem is that i don't really have the time to do so.

i just wish things could be different.

i wish i could be a different person.

that's what i've been wishing for at 11:11 recently.

while i'm laying in my bed at the haunted house.

and this is the only way i can let out my feelings.

because i don't have anyone to talk to

that won't judge me on my life.

or talk more about themselves than about me.

as selfish as that sounds,

i want someone that i can talk to about me.

instead of listening to all of their problems,

and whatever.

that's why i write blogs.

this blog can't talk back about itself,

and it just listens to me.

i really want to see the lion king in theaters.

but i have a feeling i won't be able to.

just my luck.

bye.

i miss the 90's.

you know you're a nineties kid when...

you remember watching rollie pollie ollie.

you always wondered what animal arthur was.

you've seen the lion king over five times.

you grew up watching vhs, not blu-ray.

you hated joe for replacing steve on blue's clues.

you know what wayne's world is.

you remember honey, i shrunk the kids.

you've seen every rugrats movie ever made.

hilary duff was your disney queen.

you grew up watching playhouse disney.

you know who darwin from the wild thornberry's is.

you grew up watching cow and chicken.

you grew up watching jimmy neutron, not planet sheen.

you grew up watching that's so raven, not ant farm.

you actually went outside to play.

you remember slap bracelets being banned from your school.

you know who zenon: girl on the 21st century is.

you owned cabbage patch kids.

you can name each of the powerpuff girls.

you remember courage the cowardly dog.

you know who kim possible is.

you know who mojojojo is.

you want candy, not somebody to love.

you remember writing everything in gel pens.

you still know all the lyrics to barbie girl by aqua.

all the science you learned was from bill nye, not school.

you remember sea monkeys.

you know where "bring in the dancing lobsters" comes from.

you've read every junie b. jones book.

gas was under $1.50.

you remember the land before time.

you think space jam is the best sports movie ever made.

you watched the ORIGINAL spongebob squarepants.

you remember the proud family.

you recognize the rugrat's theme song anywhere, anytime.

you still have a furby hidden somewhere in your attic.

barney didn't have drugs in his tail.

you remember drake bell as totally kyle.

you owned a skip-it.

you remember chalk zone.

you remember bear in the big blue house.

you once owned a bop-it!

you remember watching the brave little toaster.

you grew up watching mike's super short show.

you can still do the macarena like a boss.

i just want to look at all the kids today and go...

"when i was your age..."

ten years old.

i wrote this letter to my mom

when i was in oklahoma for a summer.

love is not about

stuff it is about happy

is crying about what you get

and loving one another

i love you mommy

the end

i was such a sentimental kid. (:

nine eleven, two thousand one.

tomorrow is september eleventh.

i still remember the day that the planes hit the buildings.

eight years old, backpack on my shoulders.

ready to go to school, just watching the news.

then it happened.

the camera man had to run into a coffee shop of some sort,

just to get away from the smoke cloud.

i was only eight years old.

everything didn't seem like such a big deal.

but as i've gotten older, i have realized the tragedy.

i watched the documentary today,

about people that survived nine eleven.

it was heart breaking.

i learned that people were actually jumping from the buildings.

they would rather fall all those feet to their death,

instead of getting burned to death.

then, at the end of everything,

all of them still lived with the horrors of it all.

just because they survived, didn't mean they can live.

then, at the end, obama came on and announced the death

of osama bin laden.

i started crying then.

because it took us that long to find the man responsible.

it was such a sentimental moment for me.

just because i feel like my days are going by without reason.

without any purpose.

and i could die any day.

i could die tomorrow, and the world would keep spinning without me.

but the people i loved would get hurt.

so i sent out a massive text,

and i know it may seem insensitive,

but i meant it to every person.

thank you for being in my life. <3

these are the responses i received:

ditto back at ya!

anytime(: thank you for being so awesome.

aw. thank you as well.

you're welcome!

haha no problem. 

awh, you're welcome.

why you're welcome! thank you for being in my life sweetie.

ok?

is that a suicide text?

thank you for being so awesome! love ya!

awwww love you britt.

why would you say that!

i hope i continue to be in it (:

what? was that to someone else? or me?

i love you. i really needed that.

of course sweetie!

i'm so glad for all of them.

thank you all for being in my life.

i appreciate it.

this is true.

just keen people.

we met by a piece of paper.

nothing more, nothing less.

i had never heard of you before in my life.

but we had one thing in common -

that piece of paper.

once i heard your voice,

i grew infatuated with it.

you sounded handsome,

and i was vulnerable.

i was searching for something i didn't need,

but i wanted.

i started to like you.

open up to you about everything,

even though i didn't know you.

didn't talk to you in person.

you were goofy, funny.

comic relief.

things you did creeped me out.

still do to this day.

my friends know you as creepy.

for better interests, i didn't ask you to be my sweetheart.

but someone else did.

and you forgot about me.

that hurt the worst.

after all i thought we had,

and then you forgot about me.

i cried over you, and my heart kept you out.

but i went with a different sweetheart,

and i wouldn't change that for the world.

this sweetheart was someone i could rely on.

a rock, someone who wouldn't destroy me.

then you came back to me.

almost begged me for a second chance.

and i gave it to you.

i let you talk to me.

we actually hung out, and it was awkward.

you were one of the most awkward people ever.

i didn't like spending time with you,

because you made me feel awkward being with you.

i knew you liked me more than i liked you.

because i can't like someone over texting.

i need to know them in person.

and you...

i knew too well over texting.

it was hard to put two and two together.

then, you told your family about me.

and they decided i was bad.

talking about someone you hardly know,

telling people that person doesn't even know,

and giving them an automatic negative outlook me...

was a very low move.

because now, i can never change that first impression.

the one that made you stop talking to me.

that hurt, once again.

and my sister told me to never talk to you again.

and i wasn't going to.

until your brother,

someone who would end up ruining our friendship,

told me to talk to you again.

so i did.

for him, not for myself, but for you.

because you were a wreck over me.

which is seriously... silly.

i couldn't relate to anything you talked about,

but i liked talking to someone.

it seemed like someone cared enough to talk to me.

even when i was in a bad mood.

then, we just started fighting over everything.

and all i saw was a negative person that argued with me for no reason.

my interest was lost.

then, i had other boys that were catching my attention.

and you started seeming that much better.

you had stuck with me for this long,

maybe there was a chance.

i pictured our kids, getting married to you,

spending time with your family.

because i liked your family, and they seemed to like me.

i started to like you again.

but there was one thing you lacked...

experience.

and you got jealous over things you shouldn't have.

it pushed me away to someone with experience,

that took the reins.

and things got out of hand, and ruined a lot of things for me.

now you told your family about it,

and they hate me, and i know you will always resent me for that.

but you confessed your love for me.

and that pushed me away once again.

your feelings are overpowering my feelings,

and you're not giving me room to breathe.

or to even think about things,

because you do all the thinking for me.

i tell my mom everything about you,

and she, as a little sneak,

tells my stepdad everything about you.

do you know what he said to me?

better scoop up that boy,

not many have that type of dedication.

that's just it.

i'm not ready for that type of dedication.

i do care about you,

and now you know how i was feeling throughout this whole thing.

you're someone who i'll always remember,

and tell my kids about.

right now, i'm not ready for your intensity.

when i know you've been on a few more dates,

and figure out what you like,

by dating other girls,

then i'll be motivated when you say i'm still your type.

even if you don't like me anymore.

i'll always be here for you,

to talk to.

i'll try to be better to talk to.

just for you.

weakness.

i don't want to be weak.

using alcohol as an escape.

a stress reliever, an excuse

to act a certain way or do certain things.

i don't want to be weak.

by calling other people out by drinking.

it's their own choice, their own decision.

although i know it's not good for them,

i'm not going to tell them how to live their life.

and in return, i'd ask them not to tell me how to live mine.

i don't want to be weak.

i want know what i'm doing at all times,

be aware of a cute boy hitting on me,

or a perverted old guy giving me those eyes.

and i want to be able to tell the difference.

i don't want to be weak.

and tell people that i love that i'm better than them.

or that they are better than me.

i don't want to be weak.

so weak that i jump off a cliff just because

everyone else is doing it.

just because they are funny and happy when they drink

doesn't mean i will be.

i don't want to be weak.

and disappoint people that i look up to.

i want to look up to people with a smile

and not look down into a toilet while they help me.

i don't want to be weak.

i want to be strong.

alcohol is for the weak

hearted

spirited

and bodied.

do you want to be weak?

disappointment.

my sister and i fight,

she hurts my feelings,

won't apologize for it,

and she's the one not talking to me?

i'm sorry i'm

a child

irresponsible

with no job,

disrespectful

spoiled

suffer from low self esteem

and depression.

i learn from the best.

became of you.

"i was talking to myself about you the other day, we were wondering what became of you."

the beauty of a rose.

the beauty of a rose.

the velvet feel of every petal,

telling a different story with every touch.

reaching out as the sun shines down upon it,

singing it's life through the bush.

the love it feels as the touch of the bumble's spread the excitement,

to other flowers away from the bush,

telling them of the wonderful things to come.

when the water comes from above and refreshes all,

the green leaves take in all the change and embrace it,

spreading it through the cluster as a fresh disease.

the strength of the stem, the beauty of it,

how it curves, turns, spirals,

bends and entices with every branch.

the thorns that tell you of the rose's past,

how it's been broken,

been hurt, and had to defend itself somehow,

against the wars of the world.

the people that don't just stop to smell,

but to also touch.

and that you must be prepared to handle the rose.

handle the beauty, the smell, the secret power.

one wrong touch and you're sent into a world of hurt,

forever remembering that one time,

that one regret,

when you mistreated that rose.

the roots that hold the rose to the world,

keep the rose grounded to have a strong stem,

strong petals,

and a strong smell.

a smell to bring you close, to make you beg.

that smell that everyone longs for, but hardly gets.

only for special reasons, at special times.

the rose forgives all, loves all, believes all.

gives hope to many.

never take the beauty of a rose for granted.

you can look, but be careful when you touch.

the bumble's protect it and keep it alive.

the leaves give it nourishment and love.

the bush gives it a place to be comfortable.

the branches give it strength to grow to it's full potential.

when you take a rose from all of that,

it's under your protection.

you must love it.

you must make it comfortable, give it strength.

only then..

will you realize...

the beauty of a rose.

romancing the stone.

as you all probably know,

i role play.

i explained it already, so i don't need to.

but it's just interesting to me.

i have four boy characters and one girl.

it's easier for me to play men.

because i know how i want them to be.

and how i don't want them to be.

the girl is just like me, pretty much.

with the same insecurities and quirks.

but she's prettier.

anyways.

all of my boy characters have a girl that they're with.

two of them are in love.

one is married, and the other just proposed.

i know i'll sound crazy.

but their thoughts are completely different from mine.

i'll be walking around my house,

and something reminds me of them.

or if someone says something,

i'll have different responses from my characters in my head.

they're all completely different people.

even if they all reside in my head, they're different.

all the movies, people i've met, songs i've listened to...

that's where they come from.

and it's interesting for me when they're in love.

i'm pretty sure i don't know what love is.

no, i'm positive i don't.

never felt it.

i've seen it, but it's not like you can learn from that.

love is something you have to feel to believe.

i could become a hermit and hate on love.

but i don't.

anyways.

it's weird for my two guy characters to be in love.

and have their thoughts of the ones they love,

lingering in my mind.

it's amazing how they think of them.

it makes me jealous.

i want someone to think of me that way.

alright, call me crazy.

that's just so mind blowing to me.

how i don't know what love is, but they do.

anyways. 

i'm done confiding in you.

i'm going camping soon.

wee!

inception.

i don't know why i called this inception.

it has absolutely nothing to do with what i'm going to write.

well, i just returned from girl's camp.

that was technically my 'last' girl's camp.

i've been about five or six times.

one i remember it snowed really bad.

another time i got a tick on my sweatshirt.

there was one time that i came home and my mom called me ugly.

and then there was last year, with a lot of drama.

this year?

it was amazing.

i almost cried every day.

just for the fact that i didn't want to leave.

then i wrote letters for all my leaders and all the young women.

just telling them how much i loved them, how much they meant to me.

i hope they liked those letters.

stayed up until two in the morning the last night.

didn't want it to end.

the spirit was strong, and i'm glad i got to go.

but i don't think it was really my last.

other than that, i am really disappointed in myself.

not for a reason you think.

unless you know me really well, then you might know.

i just... i long for romance.

not even romance, really.

i long for someone to be there.

for someone to talk to.

someone that i don't talk to all the time to share my feelings with.

but that someone has to be a really good friend.

i started crying at girl's camp thinking about this.

because, if you have read my blog in the past,

you know that i feel my love with hugs.

i just need a massive amounts of hugs.

not from my girl friends.

from my guy friends.

because for some reason their hugs are better.

make me feel safe, and cared for, and appreciated all at the same time.

so when i think that my best guy friends hardly ever hug me,

it hurts my feelings.

am i that intimidating?

do i come off as a butch or something like that?

you can't touch me?

i don't understand.

but it's driving me up the wall.

because i want that.

i feel like i just need to let go and everything will be okay.

not have such high expectations of everything.

but when i am a hopeless romantic,

i'm hardly ever happy.

maybe i should change that.

the only way i think i can change that...

is by having a romance that is actually a good one.

but with that romance, i have a feeling i won't like someone new.

like the person i'm going to marry...

which is creepy in itself to think about.

people my age are married.

my mom already had a child when she was my age.

anyways, the person i'm going to marry...

i feel like i already know them.

you know? when you get that strange feeling of the future?

maybe it's just wishful thinking that i marry someone i already know.

i'm not sure. it just. bugs me sometimes.

i know i'm not getting married for at least two years.

until then, we'll see who comes along.

maybe i'll end up eloping or something.

that would be interesting.

like a... dream within a dream? (;

alvin and the chipmunks.

so i'm sitting here.

and i have no idea what to write.

i just feel like that mean cloud is sitting over my head.

for no reason at all.

i was having an okay morning.

and then i thought of how i miss my brother.

then i just cried.

haven't felt better all day.

i love my nephews though.

glad they could make me happy for a while.

and all my role playing friends.

and all the guys that put up with my banter.

other than that, i'm not feeling much.

but whatever.

i'll get over it.

top ten.

TOP 10 REASONS YOU’RE A GEMINI

10 . Talk , talk , talk.
9 . Your Motto: I believe anything.
8 . Nobody understands you.
7 . Great at multi-tasking.
6 . Aren’t confused by facts.
5 . Make a great friend.
4 . Love new stuff.
3 . You’re really funny.
2 . Never sit still.

AND THE #1 REASON YOU ARE A GEMINI IS…
YOU WERE BORN UNDER THE SIGN OF THE TWINS !

i'm so glad i'm a gemini.

i can't help myself.

it makes me grin like a nerd.

journal.

when i was a small child,

ten years ago,

i got a journal from a scholastic book fair.

i loved it.

it had green and blue and purple dragon skin on the outside,

and the pages had little dragons on the inside.

i took it with me everywhere i went.

at least, i tried to.

and i wrote in it as often as i could.

sometimes i would be a simple,

"i had a great day today. goodnight!"

others, i confessed my love for various boys.

or, i wrote something completely random.

this journal was my best friend that i could tell everything to.

and then i lost it.

approximately three years ago.

i had no idea where it went, and i thought i left it somewhere.

i actually cried over this journal.

what do you think i found today?

yesterday i made a decision to take down my posters.

everything that was on my wall is now gone.

all of my taylor lautner posters, zac efron...

in the garbage. literally.

and i wanted to move my bed.

so i rotated it a different direction and pushed it against the wall.

guess what was under my bed?

my journal!

i read back through it today.

when i last wrote in it,

i had just started high school.

amazed, i wrote a new entry.

and just bore out my soul to it.

about my life, like i usually did.

told it about this blog that basically took it's place.

i want to share with you the first entry of mine,

spelling errors and all.

Today Buck and Julie

came. And we put up Haloween

stuff. And today was Daddy-

Doter day. We carved pumken-

s. And played Games. We had so

much fun! And Brendi came over.

Haha, So did Conner and Braden. an-

d Harly my next door naber &

my best friend. I had so much

fun today I had to lahf Ha-

Ha-Ha-Ha.

Date 12-2001 Oct.

simple and to the point, eh?

i can't believe i used to write like that.

i wrote about my chicken pox,

my first bra, how my hermit crabs died,

how raquel warburton was my best friend,

how i went to wyoming and all that drama,

all of my family stuff,

when i got my first computer,

all the details of all the guys i liked,

and i wrote a lot of goodnights.

also i drew a few pictures.

maybe i'll scan them in sometime?

whatever. i thought this was pretty great.

but sadly,

there are only a few pages left.

i can't decide if i want to keep it and write in it later,

like after i've gotten married or something.

and then give it to my kids when they get old enough to write.

so they can write on the last page.

or i could just finish it off now.

i feel like i need to write something important in it.

nothing like, "oh, good day. goodnight."

it needs to be very memorable.

maybe october twelfth, 2011? 

i would have written about prom,

or my first school dance.

but i didn't have it at the time.

now that i do, i don't know anything worthy enough to be in it.

i love my journal. always will.

and i can't wait for my husband and my kids to read it.

and realize how awesome my childhood really was.

before technology, before blogs.

we all had journals.

not a diary.