inception.

i don't know why i called this inception.

it has absolutely nothing to do with what i'm going to write.

well, i just returned from girl's camp.

that was technically my 'last' girl's camp.

i've been about five or six times.

one i remember it snowed really bad.

another time i got a tick on my sweatshirt.

there was one time that i came home and my mom called me ugly.

and then there was last year, with a lot of drama.

this year?

it was amazing.

i almost cried every day.

just for the fact that i didn't want to leave.

then i wrote letters for all my leaders and all the young women.

just telling them how much i loved them, how much they meant to me.

i hope they liked those letters.

stayed up until two in the morning the last night.

didn't want it to end.

the spirit was strong, and i'm glad i got to go.

but i don't think it was really my last.

other than that, i am really disappointed in myself.

not for a reason you think.

unless you know me really well, then you might know.

i just... i long for romance.

not even romance, really.

i long for someone to be there.

for someone to talk to.

someone that i don't talk to all the time to share my feelings with.

but that someone has to be a really good friend.

i started crying at girl's camp thinking about this.

because, if you have read my blog in the past,

you know that i feel my love with hugs.

i just need a massive amounts of hugs.

not from my girl friends.

from my guy friends.

because for some reason their hugs are better.

make me feel safe, and cared for, and appreciated all at the same time.

so when i think that my best guy friends hardly ever hug me,

it hurts my feelings.

am i that intimidating?

do i come off as a butch or something like that?

you can't touch me?

i don't understand.

but it's driving me up the wall.

because i want that.

i feel like i just need to let go and everything will be okay.

not have such high expectations of everything.

but when i am a hopeless romantic,

i'm hardly ever happy.

maybe i should change that.

the only way i think i can change that...

is by having a romance that is actually a good one.

but with that romance, i have a feeling i won't like someone new.

like the person i'm going to marry...

which is creepy in itself to think about.

people my age are married.

my mom already had a child when she was my age.

anyways, the person i'm going to marry...

i feel like i already know them.

you know? when you get that strange feeling of the future?

maybe it's just wishful thinking that i marry someone i already know.

i'm not sure. it just. bugs me sometimes.

i know i'm not getting married for at least two years.

until then, we'll see who comes along.

maybe i'll end up eloping or something.

that would be interesting.

like a... dream within a dream? (;