my life.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time.

change things that happened.

make up my mind differently.

when i was younger, i was arrogant.

i knew what i wanted.

and if i didn't get it, i had an attitude.

i was confident, even.

about myself.

but of course, i was a nerd.

i didn't do my hair in the morning.

my wardrobe was jumpsuits.

t-shirts and shorts, i didn't care.

i liked what i wore.

my life didn't depend on what other people thought.

then i got older.

i hated my glasses, they made me look stupid.

my hair was ugly.

i pulled it back into ponytails.

my outfits were stupid, not fashionable.

everything was about pleasing everyone.

fitting in so people wouldn't single you out.

so i wouldn't get my feelings hurt.

you know when people delete memories?

push them so far back in their brain,

that they can't remember them for the life of them?

just because they were hurtful?

i don't remember a lot of my childhood.

probably because of that reason.

i don't remember when i lost my confidence.

i just remember getting made fun of by my family for wearing pony tails.

they told me to do more things with my hair.

do more things with my outfit. bought me cute clothes.

but i didn't feel comfortable with those things.

i was content being ponytail plain jane brittany.

but of course everyone else wasn't.

i would make myself look pretty,

and i'd get looked at weird.

so, i came to the simple conclusion.

i was not pretty.

i'm pretty sure that it stuck with me forever.

and i believe i could have been popular.

i could have been a cheerleader.

been on the tennis team.

gone out and done things.

if i had the confidence.

but through my childhood, i didn't care.

and then i started caring in middle school.

i don't remember my eighth grade year.

i hated that year. blech.

anyways, i remember one day i sucked my stomach in.

for an entire class period.

i felt i had to, because i was wearing a cute shirt.

and i wasn't skinny.

at least, that's what i had told myself.

so now, because of all of that,

oh, random interrupting thought,

i've been friends with popular people.

a lot of them, actually. and we got close.

for that one time we had a class together,

and i sat next to them,

we would get close. talk a lot in that one class.

and then, after, i wouldn't hear from them again.

what's up with that? 

i don't understand how that works out.

they're too popular to talk to me again?

pssh. anyways,

because of all of that,

i have a negative view on myself.

and it's ruining my life.