forever alone.

"i promise you, you will not be alone forever.

we have our WHOLE lives ahead of us.

no boy should cause so much trouble as to cause you self harm.

you’re a woman.

you’re stronger than that.

someday, someone who loves you for who you are,

and what you do will come along and love you for you.

they will love you and forgive you for all of the mistakes you make,

and they will come back no matter what.

god gave us a pair of almost everything,

but he gave us one heart because somewhere out there is your other half.

you will find him.

just be patient and live your life while you still have it.

don’t sulk over some boy.

you’re worth more.

you’re beautiful and i can tell you’re super sweet and loyal.

you deserve someone better.

you deserve to be happy.

please.

don’t believe you’re going to be alone forever cause you won't.

i can promise you that."

best. friend. i have never met.

in the entire world.

i love you so much. <3

how do you feel?

no joke.

i write too many blogs about kissing.

but i spent the night at my cousins.

we stayed up until four in the morning talking.

she told me the stories of her kissing,

because you know, that stuff comes up,

and i told her my stories.

every one of her kisses were initiated by the boy.

she doesn't "have the courage" to kiss them first.

and i thought about it and laughed.

my two boyfriends i kissed them first.

i've had one boy kiss me first,

and it wasn't exactly movie-esqe.

not complaining, i just think it could have been more special.

but i told her how i don't make the first move when i'm supposed to.

like, the moment will be amazing,

and then ten minutes later,

i'll kiss them on impulse.

at least, that's how it's gone down.

and all the times she has been kissed,

the boy leaned completely over.

put himself on the edge of rejection.

for someone like me, who hates rejection,

i sure do that a lot.

but i feel like if i don't do it, it won't happen.

so i think from now on,

i'm going to wait for that guy to lean forward to kiss me.

who cares how badly i want to kiss them.

boys should be more courageous now-a-days.

no joke.

holding this apple,

what is the reason for my existence?

why am i talking in this strange accent?

it's funny when you talk to someone,

how much you figure out about yourself,

by trying to give them advice.

it's like, the advice they've given you, but reversed.

are we all hypocrites?

do we all have a book of our life stowed away for no one to see?

and if we let them see it,

does that make us vulnerable?

or does that make us stronger...?

i find that the world really does work in mysterious ways.

i've always heard people say that, but not understand it.

because there are things that just suck in life,

but they suck for a reason.

say, you like someone.

turns out, they don't like you.

then you like someone else,

and they like you,

but nobody else likes that person.

and those people that don't like the person,

mean a lot to you.

and you listen to them...

you have no choice, really.

what do you do then?

the person you used to like has moved on.

and so have you, from them.

but those people are stuck on that person.

that makes you stuck as well, doesn't it?

when all you want is that specific person that likes you back.

but your walls of defense are up, keeping them away.

and you can't bring them down.

what is the definition of happy, anyways?

happy with your life, with yourself, with others...

there are so many different ways to say it.

yet everyone just assumes people are... "happy."

'you wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.'

v for vendetta is a wonderful movie.

because it really brings to point some important views.

if you haven't seen it, i recommend it.

as do i recommend voicing your opinions.

communicating with one another.

getting things off your chest so you don't have a cloud over your head.

because let me tell you...

if that cloud is there, over your head,

people will notice.

'there's no certainty - only opportunity.'

the act of disappointment is a terrible one.

and i'm terrified of it.

but the thought of no certainty...

because i've heard that word my whole life...

and that it's only opportunity?

what does this mean to you?

do you feel like everything is always written in stone?

or can feelings, pasts, futures, 

be changed by one simple mind set of life?

this blog post is probably one of the most meaningful,

yet vague,

blog posts i've ever done.

if you read this and understand what i'm saying,

in your own, personal point of view,

i have done what i was trying to do.

if not... and you're confused,

then you're in my point of view.

welcome aboard.

dancing.

i'm going clubbing tomorrow for the first time ever.

i'll probably dance like this.

summertime.

today is the first day i really got ready.

completely covered my face with makeup,

picked out one of my favorite outfits,

did my hair in a way i haven't for a while.

but i'm not seeing anyone i need to impress.

only spending time with my two best friends.

but of course, i have beautiful friends.

so i have to pretty myself up to reach their level.

but i'll never be as pretty as them. (:

we're going to the mall to get sunglasses.

black ones, so i can look like a man at clubs.

i have to cash my three checks from graduation.

fifty, twenty, twenty.

yes, i love my family. 

it's about time i get out of my house.

people might start thinking i'm dead.

definition of hopeless romantic.

Hopeless romantics believe in love and fairy tales. They dream of roses and candlelight, walking on the beach at sunset, and dancing in the rain. They know that somewhere out there is a knight in shining armour ready to carry them off, or a beautiful princess waiting to be carried off into the sunset. Hopeless romantics believe in true love, and the eternal bliss that comes from being united with one's soulmate is what they crave most.

Hopeless romantics recognize in themselves the ability to love infinitely deeply, and they ache to be loved with the same fervor in return. When a hopeless romantic has someone to lavish their affection on, lavish they do. Hopeless romantics sometimes write love letters full of poetic phrases and send flowers, but mostly they try to find a thousand thoughtful little ways to show their love. They make romance into an art form.

Hopeless romantics wear rose-colored glasses. In their eagerness to find "the one," a hopeless romantic may either be extraordinarily picky or not discerning enough. Hopeless non-romantics think that hopeless romantics are delusional and too intense. Other than the seeming futility in the search for a soulmate, nothing frustrates a hopeless romantic more than a significant other who does not understand the hopeless romantic temperament.

tumblr.

yes, i've made one.

http://eatmybrainz.tumblr.com/

it doesn't really have a purpose yet.

if you have any ideas,

let me know.

because it's pointless to have one.

unless you can add something to it.

that-friend.

i have these friends.

youth conference.

the past few days i have been at youth conference.

we went to this amazing place in delta.

complete with pool tables, racquetball, ping pong,

and so much more.

not only was the place great,

the people were great, too.

our stake is something special.

the owner of the place we went said so.

not in a short bus type of way.

in a way that we stand out from others.

brought a light to the place, if you will.

i know it sounds cliche, but, you get the point.

we did many amazing things.

made a family with people we didn't know.

had an unorganized round of speed dating.

and battled our ways with water.

but those things were only a small speck of the main reason we were there.

the whole thing with the homeless really set us off.

from there, we learned the whole time,

how it's our responsibility to be knowledgeable.

of Christ, the second coming, who we are, who we're going to be.

the standards we should have throughout our lives.

every ward was supposed to do a service project.

one big thing to make a difference.

well, our ward doesn't roll like that, as stated.

we did a bunch of little service projects to make a difference for many people.

the last night we were there,

we watched a wonderful movie.

it just... i can't even describe it.

then we got to gaze up at the stars and think.

think about what we needed to change about ourselves.

when we got awoken at four thirty in the morning,

to sounds of wind, thunder, and the earth trembling,

it really put it in perspective for us.

that the world could come to an end at any time.

and we need to be prepared.

the whole thing ended with a testimony meeting with our wards.

of course, because of my big mouth,

i bore my testimony.

and i'm sorry if this post is extremely religious,

but i have strong beliefs.

i love my ward. each and every person in it has made me a better person.

i love my heavenly father, and all he does for me.

and i am very grateful to have the courage to go throughout these days,

with the trials thrust upon my back,

and know, that whenever i need help, i have people that love me.

that would do anything for me, if i simply asked.

it's up to me to knock. 

once i knock, i shall receive.

i am glad that my ward understands me.

and that i can be myself around them.

i am glad that i don't have to put up a front like i do everywhere else.

and i know this is silly,

but guess what i'm going to say at the end of this?

amen.

blame it.

i need to stop watching television.

because they make that perfect guy for me.

shy, attractive, a werewolf.

and make him have the cutest love scenes.

scenes that i know will never happen to me.

cute things that i would die for.

i blame it on utah.

because everything is censored so much.

the tiniest bit of romance or action is called being a slut.

and everything you've grown up to learn,

makes everything completely wrong.

i wish i lived somewhere else.

not with vampires, just werewolves.

i want a werewolf boyfriend.

i don't care if he could rip my face off.

that just adds to the intensity of the relationship.

a poem,

moon.

i sail forever lost,

lost in the icy sea of uncertainty,

afraid, alone...

never to return home,

you rise above the world,

a beacon of hope,

a pure and vivid sight,

you never fail nor falter,

my only companion in this cold, empty world,

you're always ready and willing,

to comfort and guide me safely home.

- ross grenko.

caring.

you have heard that saying that says,

"sharing is caring!"

just picture an old woman, back permanently bent,

with a wrinkly face and red lipstick.

she's wiggling her boney finger at you.

telling you that.

well, i think the meaning of that has changed.

when i think of people sharing,

i picture little kids letting a little girl play with a toy.

when it comes to adults or teenagers?

it's not the same deal.

you share your things because you feel sorry for the person without it.

you let them borrow your shoes cause theirs don't fit the occasion.

feeling sorry, and thinking they don't fit the part,

doesn't sound like caring to me.

i believe people have lost the meaning of the word.

so, caring.

how do you tell someone you care for them without saying it?

say someone you know says, "nobody cares about me."

you can't respond and say, "i care about you!"

because then they'll turn it down. "you're just saying that cause i said that."

so, i'm in this situation.

having to show someone you care, so they don't have a mental breakdown.

i can't share my things with them, we're two different people.

my mom gave me a simple solution.

do things for them, little things, to make them know you care.

compliments, appreciation, the works.

but it's not as easy as you think.

"can i pick that up for you?"

"here, i'll do it."

"this was great!"

they'll notice your sudden change in attitude.

it has to be more subtle.

and i'm not very good at being subtle.

on a completely different subject entirely,

i don't like being told what to do more than once.

i heard you the first time.

my brain analyzes what you told me to do,

and it thinks of what i want to do,

and it nuzzles the task right in the middle of some free time.

my parents have come to realize this.

friends, on the other hand, haven't.

so if you're reading this now, now you know.

you push me to do something, i won't want to do it.

simple as that.

let me do it on my own pace, and it will get done.

it may get done right before the deadline,

but it will get done. i can promise you that.

another completely different subject entirely.

youth conference is in a week.

we are going to delta, giving backpacks to homeless people.

what would make you not want to help hobo's?

helping someone that is in less circumstances than you...

that makes you feel like a million bucks.

because for once, you don't feel so cocky or prideful.

i'm so excited to be doing this.

i'm blessed to be able and help someone of lesser stature.

hopefully raising them up just a teensy bit.

what means a little to us, means a lot to them.

now, that's what i think is caring.

doing something for a complete stranger that doesn't make yourself,

or any other persons,

lose a bit of their feelings.

only to be giving someone else the world.

i have to ask myself this question now - 

do i really, legitimately, truly care?

sometimes,

i just feel like the whole world is against me.

role playing.

i do this thing.

it's called role playing.

sometimes it's hard to explain,

but i suppose i'll try.

it's like a website.

invisionfree, if anyone knows what that is.

and there is a plot, setting, like a book.

people from around the world - real life people,

come onto that site.

they create a character.

boy, girl, old, young.

whatever they want them to be.

and you use a celebrities face.

give them a different name, a history,

tell about their life up until the age they are now.

then, you plot with the other people on the site.

have their character meet your own.

sometimes they fall in love,

or they can completely hate each other.

well, i get very attached to my characters.

and we 'thread', it's where we tell the story of the two characters,

in third person. and we go back and forth between each other.

i can sometimes write up to a thousand word replies.

actually, i don't think i write anything else.

i have been role playing for about eight years.

i started on neopets,

with little high school role plays.

now a days, it's on a website i helped build.

set in texas, 2011, july.

i have two characters:

bryan ezekiel stone and hailey evelyn moore.

played by chace crawford and selena gomez.

and i love them.

i'm writing a thread right now with hailey,

and it's making my bawl my eyes out.

that's what i get for being a hopeless romantic writer.

and i want taylor lautner and selena gomez to get back together.

just saying. (:

dear juliet,

why is it that i can't stand up for someone i adore?

how come i can't for that special someone?

what is wrong with me, that i can't compete?

who is supposed to change my view on life?

when will i have the courage to do that myself?

where is the confidence to keep me from striking out?

why is that quote, "don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game",

so accurate to my life?

i won't fight for you.

i will not stand up against another girl,

someone prettier, smarter, more courageous.

call me a coward, but i don't like rejection.

i don't like disappointing other people.

and frankly, i don't think i like disappointing myself.

i will tell you one thing, hoping for the other.

my good, sweet nature, will make you feel happy for your decision.

when in all actuality, i hate what i'm telling you.

i want you all for myself, but i have to be supportive.

it's who i am, who i've grown up to be.

call me a jealous, clingy, hog of a girl.

but what am i supposed to be in a world like this?

when there is so much that could take you away from me.

i care for you so much.

that's why i can't handle it when you talk about other girls.

i'm not that great. i can't put up a good fight.

the only way i'll be able to be completely happy,

is if i don't have to fight for you.

only that i have to fight to keep you

dear juliet, tell me the secrets of love.

GRAD.

i'm a graduate.

isn't that wonderful?

it's all come and gone so fast.

i don't feel as old as i am.

it's pretty ridiculous.

let's spell out graduate with some words.

great.

rad.

awesome.

dandy.

unique.

attractive.

talented.

equal.

GRADUATE.

(:

my life.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time.

change things that happened.

make up my mind differently.

when i was younger, i was arrogant.

i knew what i wanted.

and if i didn't get it, i had an attitude.

i was confident, even.

about myself.

but of course, i was a nerd.

i didn't do my hair in the morning.

my wardrobe was jumpsuits.

t-shirts and shorts, i didn't care.

i liked what i wore.

my life didn't depend on what other people thought.

then i got older.

i hated my glasses, they made me look stupid.

my hair was ugly.

i pulled it back into ponytails.

my outfits were stupid, not fashionable.

everything was about pleasing everyone.

fitting in so people wouldn't single you out.

so i wouldn't get my feelings hurt.

you know when people delete memories?

push them so far back in their brain,

that they can't remember them for the life of them?

just because they were hurtful?

i don't remember a lot of my childhood.

probably because of that reason.

i don't remember when i lost my confidence.

i just remember getting made fun of by my family for wearing pony tails.

they told me to do more things with my hair.

do more things with my outfit. bought me cute clothes.

but i didn't feel comfortable with those things.

i was content being ponytail plain jane brittany.

but of course everyone else wasn't.

i would make myself look pretty,

and i'd get looked at weird.

so, i came to the simple conclusion.

i was not pretty.

i'm pretty sure that it stuck with me forever.

and i believe i could have been popular.

i could have been a cheerleader.

been on the tennis team.

gone out and done things.

if i had the confidence.

but through my childhood, i didn't care.

and then i started caring in middle school.

i don't remember my eighth grade year.

i hated that year. blech.

anyways, i remember one day i sucked my stomach in.

for an entire class period.

i felt i had to, because i was wearing a cute shirt.

and i wasn't skinny.

at least, that's what i had told myself.

so now, because of all of that,

oh, random interrupting thought,

i've been friends with popular people.

a lot of them, actually. and we got close.

for that one time we had a class together,

and i sat next to them,

we would get close. talk a lot in that one class.

and then, after, i wouldn't hear from them again.

what's up with that? 

i don't understand how that works out.

they're too popular to talk to me again?

pssh. anyways,

because of all of that,

i have a negative view on myself.

and it's ruining my life.