explode.

will you tell my emotions to be normal for once?

it's been a roller coaster this last week.

romantic, annoyed, tired, excited, bored,

upset, sad, distraught, loving, compassionate,

friendly, funny, smart, encouraging...

everything you could think of, i have felt.

and pretty much nothing has escaped my lips.

i haven't told anyone why i'm feeling these things.

except maybe my brother in law.

who is quiet on his own, and wouldn't tell anyone.

i have a hard time explaining my feelings with words out loud.

i use this blog to get things off of my chest.

why was i feeling romantic?

because i had a spark of hope for a romance.

why was i feeling annoyed?

my puppy chews on everything he can.

why was i feeling tired?

because i stay up until at least two every night.

why was i excited?

replies from my role play partners.

why was i bored?

my computer is the only entertainment i have.

why was i upset?

because i can't have what others have in relationships.

why was i sad?

because i don't have money or a job.

why was i distraught?

because my dog b.b. is dying.

why was i loving?

because i love having friends.

why was i compassionate?

because i'm always there for people i love.

why was i friendly?

because i  have to be that way to people i don't know well.

why was i funny?

i don't know why i'm funny.

why was i smart?

because i know my religion.

why am i being encouraging?

because i want my friends to be happy.

i was all of those things for a reason.

i was being them.

but i didn't want to be them.

basically, i would rather want to run away.

climb into a cave, live until everyone i knew died.

no talking about college.

no talking about boys.

no talking about what i can and can't do.

no talking about my friends leaving me.

no talking about dying.

i say that i love to talk.

really, i only like to talk about some things.

i would rather not talk at all.

talking brings feelings up.

i don't like talking about my feelings.

because i get emotional.

a cry-baby, if you must.

i blame my parents.

they are both emotional people.

five of my great guy friends are leaving on missions soon.

i don't know what i'm going to do with myself.

i get along better with guys than i do with girls.

except for my two best friends.

but even then i feel like they get bored of me sometimes.

as a matter of fact, i know they do.

i've been told that.

but i just don't want to think about them leaving.

the possible,

the wanted,

the friendly,

the yearning,

and the fantasy.

that's who i'm writing to.

while they're gone.

i'm hoping that while i write them, 

at least one of them falls for me.

i'll just stay in my apartment or house and write them.

not have any contact with anyone else but my computer and television.

because i'm afraid i'm going to die alone with seventy cats.

on a lighter note, i want to start working out again.

i'm hoping that if i do that, i'll be happier.

become happier with my body, if it looks like it's supposed to.

i want to cut my hair.

buy new clothes.

become a new person.

because i don't have school anymore -

there isn't anyone to impress.

except myself, of course. that's a negative.

i'm holding back all of my feelings.

so eventually, i'll rebel or something.

just explode.