if i were a boy.

 

if i were a boy.

can you tell it's me?

it's going to be great,

going clubbing as a boy.

i'll wear sunglasses so you can't see my eyes.

baggy pants, baggy shirt.

cover up my woman parts.

we'll see who i can fool.

drag queens are funny.

i passed out today.

randomly, in the same place i have passed out before.

woo, got yearbooks today too.

if you haven't signed my yearbook, you should.

and then we can go clubbing together over the summer.

hoorah. (:

las vegas.

i'm leaving for las vegas tomorrow.

for my sister's wedding on sunday.

are you going to miss me?

i'm going to miss you.

two, one, zero. boom.

well, i have too many feelings right now to write about the past.

if we keep living in the past,

then we won't get anywhere in the future.

speaking of the future,

are you even thinking about the future?

i swear, sometimes boys are so incredibly stupid,

they can't even control their own stupid.

i just watched a movie.

where a boy and a girl switch bodies.

the boy likes football and dancing to rap,

quarterback, dating head cheerleader.

the girl, smart, social outcast.

wants to go to yale, and has a good head on her shoulders.

they switch bodies, and take on each others lives.

figure out about each other.

i really want this to happen to me.

because i want to show someone how stupid...

no, not how stupid.

how ridiculous they are being.

by letting them see themselves.

because obviously they aren't listening to me.

and heaven forbid i'm trying to help him out.

think of how much we would learn.

being in someone elses' shoes.

being who they want to be, how they want to be it.

or completely demolish their reputation.

i was here first.

sure, i haven't always been around.

but i've been here.

and i'll continue to be here for you.

just when you realize that what you're doing isn't smart,

you'll turn around.

and you'll come to me.

and i'll ask you what you want from me.

because honestly... i've given all i can.

and when i care about someone.

literally care about someone.

i give them my all.

tell them all my secrets. 

let them know all my insecurities.

and when that person turns me down?

or pushes me away?

possibly fills my space with someone else?

i implode.

because i start to think i'm not good enough.

i'm not pretty enough for you.

not your 'type'.

so when you're all sad and depressed,

i won't know how to feel towards you.

of course i will take you in.

i will make you feel better.

but you won't know how i feel.

and i can never tell you how i feel,

because it would ruin everything for you.

and ruin everything for me.

because i'm just a filler.

there isn't anyone for me.

yet, anyways.

everyone has their own special love.

someone that they can confide in.

tell everything to, and then kiss.

but i can't have that.

for what reason, i have no idea.

but i'm here for everyone else.

i may be slowly imploding,

but you won't know that.

two.

one.

zero.

boom.

TRES.

i remember for my sister brendi's first wedding.

my pleasure was to be the flower girl.

they told me to take definite steps.

not walk like normal.

step, flowers. step, flowers.

so that's what i did.

they were very defined steps.

and i had a white dress.

with a red ribbon.

my hair was curly.

and i just remember those steps.

and all the people around me.

after that, it gets a little blurry.

but i love memories like that.

silly childhood. (:

i'm glad i could help with my sister's wedding.

even if it wasn't the best.

it brought me my two redhead nephews,

that i love more than anything,

so it's alright.

it had to happen.

everything happens for a reason.

and i can't wait for bridgit's wedding.

to be there with my sisters.

it's going to be AWESOME.

the number four.

my sister bridgit is getting married this next sunday.

i'm super excited to go to vegas.

it's her third marriage...

but this memory is going to be of her first.

she lived in american fork.

in her road, there was a large sewer drain.

you could see the bottom of it.

one day, her husband at the time,

dropped his wedding ring down it.

so, they of course, turned to me.

i was the smallest, could fit into the drain.

he got all this rope and tied it around me,

and lowered me into the drain.

i had to find the ring, which was easy.

and all it was down there was wet pebbles.

then he pulled me back up.

i felt like a hero that day...

it was pretty sweet, but also very scary.

if he would have dropped me... 

yikes!

pretty interesting memory, i think. (:

wow... five days...

there was this game on the computer.

orly's story?

something like that.

i just remember that i used to play it.

all the time.

and you would draw things,

and then they would get put into her story.

you could choose the story that way.

it was one of the best games EVER.

good memory. (:

six days and counting.

my siblings are pretty amazing people.

in the yellow house that is now gone,

i got a hot wheels race track for my birthday.

well, my brother and sisters loved it.

they put it all together,

and made it start on the counter,

do a loop,

and continue off of the track.

i remember that evening,

where they kept racing cars down my track.

i don't remember how old i was,

or how old all of them were.

but i just remember the laughter.

and the fun time we were having together.

that memory taught me one thing - 

you don't have to have a lot of money,

or a lot of friends,

to have a good time.

it doesn't matter what you do, it's who you're with.

there are seven days...

mm, seven days.

that's creepy.

anyways, for this history, i'll involve a dentist memory.

because i went to the dentist today.

thirteen cavities!

anyways.

when i was younger, i had a rotten tooth.

the dentist was the worst one ever.

he asked if my tooth hurt when he pushed down on it.

well, he pushed down on it.

and it hurt.

so i bit down on his thumb.

i wasn't very old, like six or so.

and he started yelling at me.

cussing, and screaming.

i guess he almost smacked me.

and this man was a child dentist.

traumatized me.

with his beezer, drill, whatever.

i'm now terrified of dentists.

and i don't have great teeth,

so i have to go there often.

stupid dentist.

ten, nine, eight...

ten;

on valentine's day,

my father would put a stuffed animal on the porch.

ring the doorbell.

i would answer, expecting him.

and all there would be is a stuffed bear or something.

i opened the door, picked up the animal,

and looked around. 

i'd close the door and walk inside,

and he would come to the door and surprise me.

that was when he lived not far away,

and didn't have anything else to do with his time.

i was his only at that time.

nine;

one christmas,

my sister and i got a present together.

we unwrapped the box,

undid the tape that was on the box,

and at the sight of the styrofoam,

i exclaimed, "yay! exactly what i wanted!"

and proceeded to rip a piece of it off,

and put it in my mouth.

i paid no attention to the television inside the box.

this memory taught me to love the little things.

if you don't believe me, i have it on tape. (:

eight;

unhappy memory.

our lawn mower was on our lawn,

and i looked at it.

one of our cats, shampoo,

was on top of the bag.

another cat, one of the newest ones,

a kitten, my favorite,

was inside the bag. i ran inside to tell tim.

not to turn on the lawn mower.

my mom said he was already outside. 

i yelled in horror,

and ran back outside.

the lawn mower was already started,

and the kitten rolled out of the front of the lawn mower,

dead.

it was traumatizing.

we buried it and i cried like a baby.

eight days until i'm an adult. 

crazy.

eleven days.

my sisters give me lots of memories.

one of my favorites,

has my sister brendi in it.

when i was younger, i absolutely loved disney movies.

still do.

my favorites?

the little mermaid, the lion king, a bug's life, and many more.

so before i'd go to bed,

one of my sisters would come and tuck me in.

then, brendi, this one night that i remember,

turned on the little mermaid's soundtrack.

and would lip sing it to me.

i loved her so much at that moment.

she was incredible at it, and made me dream happy dreams.

thanks to all my sisters,

for making my childhood so much better than their own.

i love them very much,

and it's memories like this,

that make me wish i was young again.

<3

thirteen and twelve.

stupid blogger didn't let me post yesterday.

so this one is going to have two memories.

and i never said they had to be happy ones.

thirteen;

people say that i'm amusing to tease.

well, i don't like being teased.

but they do it anyways.

it's because of this man that was in my family,

and now he is not.

he used to grab a newspaper.

on the cover of this newspaper,

was a china man without teeth.

it scared the crap out of me.

he used to wave it in front of my face,

every time that i walked inside,

and would yell rather loudly,

"he'll love you long time!"

i hated that man.

another time, he stole my toy baby.

put her on a ceiling fan.

and turned the fan on.

i was traumatized. 

and it was all just 'teasing' to him.

twelve;

when i was younger, i had pretty long hair.

my sisters loved to do hair.

one time, they wanted to braid it.

so all three of them sat around me,

while i sat on a toilet, 

and they took little strands of hair,

braided them,

and put a bead on the end of each one.

my hair was like that for a loooong time. 

a couple weeks, at least.

i even have pictures of it.

when i was on my tricycle.

good times and bad times.

two memories down.

twelve days to go. (:

day fourteen.

i found a paper that i wrote when i was ten, i think.

it's called,

'someone special, starring me!'

and it had simple questions that i'm going to write down on here.

because i think it's a good memory,

a little bit of history for someone to read over.

what is your favorite subject in school?

math.

( funny, i greatly dislike math now. )

what is your least favorite subject in school?

writing.

( another funny thing. this is absolutely my favorite now. )

what is your favorite sport?

kickball.

( i didn't know kickball was a sport. )

what is your favorite animal?

cheetah.

( it was my favorite until too many people liked it. )

name something you do very well.

sing.

( haha, yeah right. )

name something that makes you mad.

when someone is talking when they're not supposed to.

( still does. )

what is your favorite t.v. show?

powerpuff girls.

( please, netflix? please? )

what is your favorite book?

cats and dogs.

( based on the movie. i still have this book. )

who are you favorite friends?

paige, mckel and mykala.

( paige jacobs? mckel ekker? mykala...? )

what would you like to be when you grow up?

artist.

( not so much anymore. it would have been cool, though. )

what would you like to learn in school this year?

learn about dinos.

( they fascinated me, i guess. )

i love learning about my past self.

it's interesting to see how much i have changed over the years.

because then i can look back,

see what i liked,

and try and bring that certain trait back to life.

certainly not the math liking one, though.

maybe the singing, artist, kickball ones.

i wonder if anyone even plays that anymore?

anyways, day fourteen is done.

goodnight, sweet dreams.

day fifteen.

my birthday is in fifteen days. 

fifteen memories from my life.

up until my eighteenth birthday?

okay. memory numero fifteen.

when i was younger, two houses ago,

i used to take cat food out to the cats.

think, we had a bunch of cats back then.

at least thirteen.

and so i would take the cat food to the garage,

hang out with them,

and then i'd eat the cat food with them.

it was really weird... 

i ate lots of gross stuff back then,

like lick butter from the cube.

that's one of those memories that make me chuckle,

and make other people gag.

there you go. (:

love story.

the life of a hopeless romantic is in fact that.

hopeless.

because they live for the romance.

when they don't get it,

there is no more living.

you are simply there,

watching other people's romance.

loathing them for their happiness.

then the next worst thing is watching romance fail.

when you know it won't work out,

but you can't say anything about it.

because you don't want to ruin the romance that is there now.

sometimes you want fake romance.

to fill the void of what should really be there.

when opportunity arouses for some romance,

you have the perfect idea of what you want,

so anything less doesn't stand a chance.

half the time you don't even want romance.

just someone to talk to that doesn't have romance,

like you don't.

but of course, who doesn't like someone?

who doesn't have some gushy love story to tell?

not very many people.

or they have some history that you can't associate with.

everyone says that i'm pretty.

fun, good friend, blah blah blah.

where's my love story?

my prince?