or not.

i am so disappointed with my state of mind.

just because the negative is coming back.

the, i'm not pretty, what am i here for,

this isn't worth it, why am i even trying,

you're a douche bag, wow, what an idiot,

who do you think you are... comments.

all of them are negative, and impacting me.

because i am so hard on myself.

and after everyone saying i'm so pretty,

i believe it, until i look into a mirror.

and i'm around beautiful people,

smart people, talented people, and funny people.

i'm nothing compared to them.

negative negative negative.

and i try so hard to be better.

to try and prove to myself that i am.

i am smart, pretty, funny.

but then i smile, and i laugh,

and it's all disgusting to me.

so my future train of thought that i'm going to have...

someone will love me for those things.

i love thinking about my future,

and how happy i'm going to be.

when i find that certain someone.

or if i already know them,

how we're going to be after we grow up,

and realize that we're in love.

because i really don't want what my whole family has.

divorce, alcohol, lots of disagreements and mistrust.

i want someone i can trust,

and i can love more than anyone else.

there was a little boy in church today with red hair.

i pictured him as my son when i'm older,

with my husband and i, sitting in church.

having a strong family, testimony, and bond.

that we can love each other for even more than that.

but then i think, what if someone doesn't love me?

what if it takes forever,

and i'm fifty before someone actually marries me?

it's because of prom, i think.

i don't believe i'm going to get asked, and it makes me sad.

like, i'm literally almost crying right now.

thinking about it.

what haven't i done?

do i need to be more outgoing and social?

throw myself at all of the guys out there?

just to get a date to prom?

be involved in some sport? 

drama program?

something to make myself noticed more than normal?

because people that are in stuff like that,

popular people, of course,

get asked to prom.

i'm not one of those people.

gah, i hate prom.

if it wasn't something that was needed for seniors.

i'm going to get a dress and go stag, if i don't get asked.

and i'm pretty sure that i'm not going to.

this is so ridiculous.

i hate negative thoughts.

but it's from my lack of church.

i'm not going to graduate from seminary.

great, isn't it? i didn't think so.

and i need to get a job.

as soon as possible.

because life is starting,

whether i want it to or not.

ninth grade seminary.

nice and friendly, nice to everyone. cares about everyone.

your personality helps me endure choir.

you're well organized and help others concentrate.

i like the way you just act yourself and encourage other to do so.

you are so good at acting!

you have contagious optimism and spirituality.

you're really smart and your answers are 'beefy'.

you interact with people naturally, your self confidence is bright.

you help bring spirit into the classroom.

you are friendly to everyone.

you don't care about how other people think of you.

you're always looking out for other people.

i wonder if people think the same things of me now.

that is what people said to me.

ninth grade seminary class.

it's crazy how things change.

car wreck.

i greatly dislike days like today.

things just start out, bleh.

but you had a great night before.

having only six hours of sleep,

then having to go to church...

sitting by someone i don't even know.

getting taught something that i can't focus on.

then, hearing something really great.

and it got me thinking.

so much, that i can't focus on anything else.

i was supposed to clean the house today.

did i get that done?

nope.

( did you notice how my last post was an arrow? cool. )

and i'm sort of getting a head ache.

but i have to clean the house.

the worst part is that i have basically no help.

my mom is going to be home tuesday night.

so i get to clean the house on tuesday.

i'm passing all of my classes,

so as long as i don't bomb this last quarter,

i'm going to graduate.

he, as i promised, is going to graduate as well.

my dogs need a bath.

i really want to get asked to prom.

if i don't get asked, i'm going stag. so.. beware.

my car is really great.

i love it very much.

see what i have resorted to?

saying random things i don't even know.

i'm not ready for life.

and i'm sick of the radio repeating the same songs over and over.

be original, for heaven's sakes.

one of those moods.

blech mech jeck weck flech.

wreck.

one word.

bright.

brittany.

outstanding.

spunky.

genuine.

unique.

funny.

outgoing.

passionate.

wild.

helpful. 

gemini.

seventeen.
people pleaser.

all words that people said describe me.

i don't know about these.

but there you have it.

a blog post. 

woo!

cookies.

i have myself three cookies.

one, a chocolate chip.

traditional,

everyone loves it,

just as it loves everyone.

two, a sugar.

basic, simple, casual.

treats everyone differently.

but all it is.. is sugar.

three, a macadamia nut.

my personal favorite,

but some people are allergic.

and it takes getting used to.

three completely different cookies.

all taste differently.

but they all go good with milk.

or do they?

all you need is love.

being a hopeless romantic sucks.

it really does.

i just finished a book, where love happens.

basically, i blame my condition on books.

and on movies.

that give me a silly idea of love.

or how someone is going to act.

it angers me deeply.

because i don't believe i'll ever get it.

so i read this book,

watch this movie,

get all giddy, and happy,

because i love when i see love.

i see it all around me.

everyday. 

between my friends.

complete strangers,

public displays of affection.

yet, i get nothing.

no romance,

no spending a night, 

cuddling underneath the stars.

walking hands down the beach.

riding a ferris wheel, holding hands.

swinging on the swings and sharing a moment.

having that 'spark',

and acting on it, and never regretting it.

but... i guess great things come to those who wait, 

am i right?

don't get me wrong, though.

i love hearing about other people's romance.

i'm just in such a hole with my own,

there isn't anything i can do but be excited.

hyperventilate when someone tells me something great.

i will love with everything i have,

and hopefully, this romantic thing will pay off.

and someone will eventually love me back.

it could be a while, i know.

until then, i'll fill up with movies and books.

friends and family, people telling me what love is.

so i know, that when it happens, it's real, and i don't screw it up.

because, as this book said...

once you love something, or someone,

it's the hardest thing in the world to let them go.

all you need is love, love.

love is all ya need.

sentimental.

small things mean lots to me.

i had a blade of grass.

that one of my best friends gave me,

and she just handed it to me one day.

while we were sitting on the grass together.

i placed it in my phone.

under the cover, and it stayed there.

for months and months.

then, getting out of my car,

in frustration, i dropped my phone.

lost that blade of grass.

you better believe that i cried.

because it held a memory to it.

that's my problem.

i like to call myself a 'hoarder',

because every little thing has sentimental meaning.

i have a pumba head that i used to take baths with.

a stuffed dog that i still sleep with.

twizzler pillow that has so many memories.

this weekend i got another item.

my nephew, two years old,

came up to me while i was laying on the couch.

put a hair tie around my wrist.

the hair tie was broken, and retied to work again.

i have no idea where it came from,

but it hasn't left my wrist since then.

and today i wore a beatles shirt.

i got sung to by a kid named hayden,

who is very fond of the beatles.

i will always remember that when i wear this shirt.

so if you ever give me something,

i will most likely remember you forever because of that thing.

hmm, i think i do the same thing with songs.

like, put people to songs.

because of a memory that happened during that song,

with that certain person,

whenever i hear that song, i will think of them.

it's my way of thinking of things, i suppose.

but right now, i'm tired. it's late.

i'm going to go to sleep.

have a wonderful wednesday!