or not.

i am so disappointed with my state of mind.

just because the negative is coming back.

the, i'm not pretty, what am i here for,

this isn't worth it, why am i even trying,

you're a douche bag, wow, what an idiot,

who do you think you are... comments.

all of them are negative, and impacting me.

because i am so hard on myself.

and after everyone saying i'm so pretty,

i believe it, until i look into a mirror.

and i'm around beautiful people,

smart people, talented people, and funny people.

i'm nothing compared to them.

negative negative negative.

and i try so hard to be better.

to try and prove to myself that i am.

i am smart, pretty, funny.

but then i smile, and i laugh,

and it's all disgusting to me.

so my future train of thought that i'm going to have...

someone will love me for those things.

i love thinking about my future,

and how happy i'm going to be.

when i find that certain someone.

or if i already know them,

how we're going to be after we grow up,

and realize that we're in love.

because i really don't want what my whole family has.

divorce, alcohol, lots of disagreements and mistrust.

i want someone i can trust,

and i can love more than anyone else.

there was a little boy in church today with red hair.

i pictured him as my son when i'm older,

with my husband and i, sitting in church.

having a strong family, testimony, and bond.

that we can love each other for even more than that.

but then i think, what if someone doesn't love me?

what if it takes forever,

and i'm fifty before someone actually marries me?

it's because of prom, i think.

i don't believe i'm going to get asked, and it makes me sad.

like, i'm literally almost crying right now.

thinking about it.

what haven't i done?

do i need to be more outgoing and social?

throw myself at all of the guys out there?

just to get a date to prom?

be involved in some sport? 

drama program?

something to make myself noticed more than normal?

because people that are in stuff like that,

popular people, of course,

get asked to prom.

i'm not one of those people.

gah, i hate prom.

if it wasn't something that was needed for seniors.

i'm going to get a dress and go stag, if i don't get asked.

and i'm pretty sure that i'm not going to.

this is so ridiculous.

i hate negative thoughts.

but it's from my lack of church.

i'm not going to graduate from seminary.

great, isn't it? i didn't think so.

and i need to get a job.

as soon as possible.

because life is starting,

whether i want it to or not.