inception.

i don't know why i called this inception.

it has absolutely nothing to do with what i'm going to write.

well, i just returned from girl's camp.

that was technically my 'last' girl's camp.

i've been about five or six times.

one i remember it snowed really bad.

another time i got a tick on my sweatshirt.

there was one time that i came home and my mom called me ugly.

and then there was last year, with a lot of drama.

this year?

it was amazing.

i almost cried every day.

just for the fact that i didn't want to leave.

then i wrote letters for all my leaders and all the young women.

just telling them how much i loved them, how much they meant to me.

i hope they liked those letters.

stayed up until two in the morning the last night.

didn't want it to end.

the spirit was strong, and i'm glad i got to go.

but i don't think it was really my last.

other than that, i am really disappointed in myself.

not for a reason you think.

unless you know me really well, then you might know.

i just... i long for romance.

not even romance, really.

i long for someone to be there.

for someone to talk to.

someone that i don't talk to all the time to share my feelings with.

but that someone has to be a really good friend.

i started crying at girl's camp thinking about this.

because, if you have read my blog in the past,

you know that i feel my love with hugs.

i just need a massive amounts of hugs.

not from my girl friends.

from my guy friends.

because for some reason their hugs are better.

make me feel safe, and cared for, and appreciated all at the same time.

so when i think that my best guy friends hardly ever hug me,

it hurts my feelings.

am i that intimidating?

do i come off as a butch or something like that?

you can't touch me?

i don't understand.

but it's driving me up the wall.

because i want that.

i feel like i just need to let go and everything will be okay.

not have such high expectations of everything.

but when i am a hopeless romantic,

i'm hardly ever happy.

maybe i should change that.

the only way i think i can change that...

is by having a romance that is actually a good one.

but with that romance, i have a feeling i won't like someone new.

like the person i'm going to marry...

which is creepy in itself to think about.

people my age are married.

my mom already had a child when she was my age.

anyways, the person i'm going to marry...

i feel like i already know them.

you know? when you get that strange feeling of the future?

maybe it's just wishful thinking that i marry someone i already know.

i'm not sure. it just. bugs me sometimes.

i know i'm not getting married for at least two years.

until then, we'll see who comes along.

maybe i'll end up eloping or something.

that would be interesting.

like a... dream within a dream? (;

alvin and the chipmunks.

so i'm sitting here.

and i have no idea what to write.

i just feel like that mean cloud is sitting over my head.

for no reason at all.

i was having an okay morning.

and then i thought of how i miss my brother.

then i just cried.

haven't felt better all day.

i love my nephews though.

glad they could make me happy for a while.

and all my role playing friends.

and all the guys that put up with my banter.

other than that, i'm not feeling much.

but whatever.

i'll get over it.

top ten.

TOP 10 REASONS YOU’RE A GEMINI

10 . Talk , talk , talk.
9 . Your Motto: I believe anything.
8 . Nobody understands you.
7 . Great at multi-tasking.
6 . Aren’t confused by facts.
5 . Make a great friend.
4 . Love new stuff.
3 . You’re really funny.
2 . Never sit still.

AND THE #1 REASON YOU ARE A GEMINI IS…
YOU WERE BORN UNDER THE SIGN OF THE TWINS !

i'm so glad i'm a gemini.

i can't help myself.

it makes me grin like a nerd.

journal.

when i was a small child,

ten years ago,

i got a journal from a scholastic book fair.

i loved it.

it had green and blue and purple dragon skin on the outside,

and the pages had little dragons on the inside.

i took it with me everywhere i went.

at least, i tried to.

and i wrote in it as often as i could.

sometimes i would be a simple,

"i had a great day today. goodnight!"

others, i confessed my love for various boys.

or, i wrote something completely random.

this journal was my best friend that i could tell everything to.

and then i lost it.

approximately three years ago.

i had no idea where it went, and i thought i left it somewhere.

i actually cried over this journal.

what do you think i found today?

yesterday i made a decision to take down my posters.

everything that was on my wall is now gone.

all of my taylor lautner posters, zac efron...

in the garbage. literally.

and i wanted to move my bed.

so i rotated it a different direction and pushed it against the wall.

guess what was under my bed?

my journal!

i read back through it today.

when i last wrote in it,

i had just started high school.

amazed, i wrote a new entry.

and just bore out my soul to it.

about my life, like i usually did.

told it about this blog that basically took it's place.

i want to share with you the first entry of mine,

spelling errors and all.

Today Buck and Julie

came. And we put up Haloween

stuff. And today was Daddy-

Doter day. We carved pumken-

s. And played Games. We had so

much fun! And Brendi came over.

Haha, So did Conner and Braden. an-

d Harly my next door naber &

my best friend. I had so much

fun today I had to lahf Ha-

Ha-Ha-Ha.

Date 12-2001 Oct.

simple and to the point, eh?

i can't believe i used to write like that.

i wrote about my chicken pox,

my first bra, how my hermit crabs died,

how raquel warburton was my best friend,

how i went to wyoming and all that drama,

all of my family stuff,

when i got my first computer,

all the details of all the guys i liked,

and i wrote a lot of goodnights.

also i drew a few pictures.

maybe i'll scan them in sometime?

whatever. i thought this was pretty great.

but sadly,

there are only a few pages left.

i can't decide if i want to keep it and write in it later,

like after i've gotten married or something.

and then give it to my kids when they get old enough to write.

so they can write on the last page.

or i could just finish it off now.

i feel like i need to write something important in it.

nothing like, "oh, good day. goodnight."

it needs to be very memorable.

maybe october twelfth, 2011? 

i would have written about prom,

or my first school dance.

but i didn't have it at the time.

now that i do, i don't know anything worthy enough to be in it.

i love my journal. always will.

and i can't wait for my husband and my kids to read it.

and realize how awesome my childhood really was.

before technology, before blogs.

we all had journals.

not a diary. 

book.

i'm writing a book.

if you'd like to be in it,

message me on facebook.

if you want to learn more about it,

message me on facebook.

because i'm dead serious about this one.

it could be completely awesome.

gem-i-ni!

- Energetic
- Clever
- Imaginative
- Witty
- Adaptable

- Superficial
- Impulsive
- Restless
- Devious
- Indecisive

Gemini people are many sided, quick both in the mind and physically. They are brimming with energy and vitality, they are clever with words. They are intelligent and very adaptable to every situation and every person. Gemini are curious and always want to know what's going on in the world around them. They are not one to sit back and watch the world go by, they want to be involved. This can sometimes make Gemini nosy, they do not mind their own business! This is because they really enjoy communicating, more so then most other astrology signs, they are the ultimate social butterfly. Gemini can talk and talk, but they have interesting things to say, their talk is not mindless babble. They have interesting opinions and thoughts on things and are not afraid to speak their mind. They are always in the know and are the one to see for the latest juicy gossip. Lacking perseverance, Gemini easily goes off topic to explore another thought or idea. Gemini are superficial, they will form opinions on matter without diving into them and exploring them fully. This can lead them into thinking they know everything, which they usually do but their mind is too busy to be concerned with fine details. Routine and boredom are Gemini's biggest fears. Gemini would rather be naive then know the depressing truth, they do not want anything putting a damper on their freedom or positive energy. 

Love to talk, that is the first rule about impressing a Gemini. Be knowledgeable about that you talk about too because Gemini are intelligent and have lots of knowledge about many things. If you are an expert on a certain topic, teach them about it, you will impress them because this know-it-all sign is does not usually know fine details about a lot of things, they are too busy to bother to learn. Speak your mind, engage them in a friendly debate but never be too conservative, they find this dull. Be honest and loyal to a Gemini, once they have had their trust broken they usually will never get it back again. Gemini are easy to date, they will do any activity anywhere. Just have fun, like you would with a friends because that's what Gemini are, a great friend. 

Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend. If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they are not want to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.

i want this.

july third.

b.b. died today.

but she died happily.

my earliest memory, as you might already know,

has b.b. in it.

i figured out that i was four years old.

when i remember holding her for the first time.

my mom and tim's anniversary is tomorrow.

fourth of july.

i can't wait for the fireworks.

explode.

will you tell my emotions to be normal for once?

it's been a roller coaster this last week.

romantic, annoyed, tired, excited, bored,

upset, sad, distraught, loving, compassionate,

friendly, funny, smart, encouraging...

everything you could think of, i have felt.

and pretty much nothing has escaped my lips.

i haven't told anyone why i'm feeling these things.

except maybe my brother in law.

who is quiet on his own, and wouldn't tell anyone.

i have a hard time explaining my feelings with words out loud.

i use this blog to get things off of my chest.

why was i feeling romantic?

because i had a spark of hope for a romance.

why was i feeling annoyed?

my puppy chews on everything he can.

why was i feeling tired?

because i stay up until at least two every night.

why was i excited?

replies from my role play partners.

why was i bored?

my computer is the only entertainment i have.

why was i upset?

because i can't have what others have in relationships.

why was i sad?

because i don't have money or a job.

why was i distraught?

because my dog b.b. is dying.

why was i loving?

because i love having friends.

why was i compassionate?

because i'm always there for people i love.

why was i friendly?

because i  have to be that way to people i don't know well.

why was i funny?

i don't know why i'm funny.

why was i smart?

because i know my religion.

why am i being encouraging?

because i want my friends to be happy.

i was all of those things for a reason.

i was being them.

but i didn't want to be them.

basically, i would rather want to run away.

climb into a cave, live until everyone i knew died.

no talking about college.

no talking about boys.

no talking about what i can and can't do.

no talking about my friends leaving me.

no talking about dying.

i say that i love to talk.

really, i only like to talk about some things.

i would rather not talk at all.

talking brings feelings up.

i don't like talking about my feelings.

because i get emotional.

a cry-baby, if you must.

i blame my parents.

they are both emotional people.

five of my great guy friends are leaving on missions soon.

i don't know what i'm going to do with myself.

i get along better with guys than i do with girls.

except for my two best friends.

but even then i feel like they get bored of me sometimes.

as a matter of fact, i know they do.

i've been told that.

but i just don't want to think about them leaving.

the possible,

the wanted,

the friendly,

the yearning,

and the fantasy.

that's who i'm writing to.

while they're gone.

i'm hoping that while i write them, 

at least one of them falls for me.

i'll just stay in my apartment or house and write them.

not have any contact with anyone else but my computer and television.

because i'm afraid i'm going to die alone with seventy cats.

on a lighter note, i want to start working out again.

i'm hoping that if i do that, i'll be happier.

become happier with my body, if it looks like it's supposed to.

i want to cut my hair.

buy new clothes.

become a new person.

because i don't have school anymore -

there isn't anyone to impress.

except myself, of course. that's a negative.

i'm holding back all of my feelings.

so eventually, i'll rebel or something.

just explode.