just be happy.

it's been a long while since i've posted in you.

it's kind of crazy thinking the life i've been through.

the last post i should just erase, because, well, it's not true.

that goo was just a poison for my heart.

he used me and abused me, in every sense of the words.

i can't believe i put myself through such things for a whole year.

but, you live and you learn, right?

i'm picking myself back up, slowly.

he caused so much anxiety in me, that my heart is so distant.

i feel so much happiness, but my mind won't allow it.

there's always something wrong -

something to worry about -

a tone in someone's voice that isn't positive.

i'm so happy, my life is going so well.

but there's always something 'wrong'.

my therapist says it's all because of the goo,

making everything so intense and so hard for me.

i'm only now starting to realize the horrible things he did to me.

the reasons why i feel like something is wrong.

it's all because of him.

when in fact, there isn't anything wrong.

i have an amazing job, making crowns at a dental lab.

it's casual, i have a wonderful boss,

and it's easy enough to not think about when i go home.

my best friends are living their lives to the fullest,

and i get to see them get so mature and happy.

the best part about it all, is definitely my love.

he's so kind, so sweet, and oh so handsome.

i told him just today, that i needed to go through all the bad,

just to get to him. and that i was worth every second,

to have him in my arms at the end of the day.

he forces to me relax, forces me to calm down.

reminds me that there isn't anything to worry about,

he's probably nicer than me, even. 

but the most important thing, is we make each other happy.

i guess that's where my problem is,

why can't i just be happy?

gladly, occasionally, open.

gladly, occasionally, open

gladly telling me how beautiful i am

how great that i smell

what you love about my body

that you care about me so much.

gladly make me smile

how my soul reaches my eyes

what you can see when you look at me

that you want to always be with me.

gladly listen to all my problems

how my world never seems to be right

what you show me is that only love matters

that you'll be with me until the end.

occasionally you make this laugh

that is so perfect in every way

you fill my heart with so much joy

my bear with a tickle in his feet.

occasionally you feel sad

that is really sad to see

you have so much love in your heart,

my sweet lumberjack with a sliver.

occasionally i can kiss you

that is one of my favorite parts

you kiss me back with such passion

my rock with a soft side.

open my heart to you

and you let me into yours

always listening, always responding

being who i have always wanted.

open my eyes to see you

and amazed by what i see

always smiling, laughing, looking

being my statue of delight.

open my soul to you

and you will make me yours

always together

being exactly what we should be.

gladly, occasionally, open.

11.11.14

go

how about you try to explain it to me

why it was so easy for you to let go

after everything we've been through together

every laugh and every smile

the songs we'd sing together

the moments that i'll cherish forever

how you looked me in the eyes

and promised me that you loved me

that you were going to be with me

and fight for me

work with me

to get to a place where we could be happy

you made me feel important

made me feel loved and special

only to turn around and say i wasn't something you wanted from the beginning

like i didn't give my all for you

would have taken a bullet in my heart

rather than lose yours

tell me why that's okay

because clearly i'm not understanding

how one so important can suddenly be stranded

their heart dangling from a tree branch

trying not to fall down

to prevent itself from breaking

keeping one arm towards the sky

waiting to be given a hand

from the one that they love

who let them go

no shirt, no blouse.

why is it that when i think i'm happy,

something terrible always happens?

i feel like my life is getting away from me.

an amazing job.

an amazing boyfriend.

saving up to buy a car.

an amazing dog ( as always. )

i'm actually in a good situation, for once.

but the world around me is crashing down.

my parents can't afford any food, hardly ever.

my two best friends now hate each other.

i think there is something wrong with me, internally.

my family is all having their own problems...

i just don't know how to handle it.

for once i'm in the high place, i'm in control.

and everything else... 

isn't.

i'm constantly worried about everything else

that i can't even control.

should i buy everything my parents need?

what about the car i'm saving up for?

my braces are going to come off soon,

that's another positive.

what if i lose my job? 

then i wouldn't have any type of income,

and i would be miserable once again...

i have the most amazing boyfriend in the whole world.

we understand each other so well.

i am really too lucky to even have him.

i don't know what i would do without him right now.

he's shown me how i'm supposed to be treated,

and i couldn't thank him enough for that.

but every day i'm scared to death.

scared that i'm going to lose him.

because of my head.

i'm silently imploding.

everything is overwhelming me,

and i just don't like to show it.

there are more important things to worry about...

for other people, anyways.

i'm sick of this responsibility that i don't deserve.

i miss my dad.

i miss my sisters.

i miss my best friends.

i miss being sincerely happy.

romeo save me...

this time won't you save me?

save me from drowning

tell me something that'll save me.

there's no religion that could save me,

save me from my ignorance.

but the only thing saving me, is your love.

i got so scared, i thought no one could save me.

no matter where my reckless self takes me, baby you save me.

you say you will, say you will save me

i need you to come here and save me

won't you save me san francisco?

draw me a smile, and save me tonight.

you were supposed to save me, my sweet baby.

now baby, save me.

when i'm drowning, save me.

cause all you need to save me is to intervene. 

gonna take much more than a heart to save me.

you're the only one that can save me, 

won't you save me?

i know you can't hear me, but baby i need you to save me tonight.

baby i'm hell, save me, don't bail.

afraid nothing can save me

will somebody save me or will i get burned?

nothing's gonna save me

would you even try to save me?

no one needs to be alone, oh save me.

time to save me.

every time she closed her eyes -

may i count the times you've made me smile?

compare that to the times you've made me cry?

hello again, my sweet friend.

it's been a while, once again.

here i am, living back in utah with my mother.

it's been a while since i've been back.

the love of my life came and stayed with me for two months.

that was probably the best two months,

of my entire existence.

we did so many fun things, saw so many great things.

the world was our oyster and we were taking the pearl.

of course, all great things had to come to an end.

he traveled back and left me here.

i felt alone, the distance was something i had forgotten.

it was miserable and it ruined me.

i got a new job at a dental office here,

only to get fired because of "personal issues"...

what are those personal issues?

well, i happened to get diagnosed with depression,

and anxiety.

the depression wasn't something that i was surprised about.

the anxiety... yeah.

i suppose it explained why i was worrying all of the time,

over small little things that didn't need to be worried about.

all of those worries pushed my love away from me.

and we broke up.

it was the hardest thing in my life, and it still is.

i wish i could have done things differently.

now i'm back here with my friends.

trying to fill my empty life with something worth living for.

so i don't lose my hope,

that i so often lose.

my dearest chubbs, truly is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

of course, he's a dog.

but i couldn't ask for anything more.

my two darling best friends are the one and only things keeping me sane.

they are always there for me and remind me of things i forget.

i don't know what i would do without them in my life.

they're going through their own hard times, and believe me,

i'll take care of them.

i'll push for them. and i'll be there one hundred percent.

because that's what best friends do. and that's what i want to be.

i've never been so low in my entire life.

it's difficult to make it through the day.

usually i can put on a fake smile, and just fake it.

but lately... i really don't see the reason to.

now everyone knows that i'm messed up,

i have nothing to hide anymore.

i think that makes it worse.

now i can just cry whenever i want and people understand.

but that doesn't make it any easier.

i don't know what i want from them, i just don't.

i wish you could make me happy, i do.

but don't ask if there is something you can do.

do what you know i'd be happy for you to do.

talk to me. make me laugh.

talk about your own life, and not about mine.

trust me, i'm sick of my own life enough.

every day it's harder and harder to survive.

i'm going to see a therapist...

in a month.

i was so disappointed.

someone's on the edge of the cliff and the therapist can't help them,

a month later.

i'm almost certain that a month is too long,

and it'll be really difficult to keep myself sane.

most of the time i don't even want to be with friends.

even though i know they'll make me feel better and make things okay.

ugh, i hate writing about my feelings like this.

i just sound like a sob story that is boring as crap.

i'll stop then.

goodbye for now?

or is that too soon to say?

this is how an angel cries...

i watched a movie this evening.

called,

seeking a friend for the end of the world.

it was a very touching movie.

the ending made me cry.

the best thing about the ending?

it really was the end.

whatever happened, we didn't know.

the screen just goes black.

it made me wonder what i would do,

if the end of the world was near.

nothing would matter after that.

money would mean nothing.

a huge asteroid was going to hit the earth,

and nobody could stop it.

all the big houses would just be burned to the ground.

the rich people inside, burnt.

nobody would be alive.

the only thing that you would be worried about,

would be your past.

what you didn't get to do,

what you wanted to do with your last few weeks of life.

have i lived life to the fullest?

could i die and not be unhappy with how far i've come?

it saddens me to think about the end of the world happening.

but december is just around the corner.

no more dick clark for the new years celebration.

if i had a month before the end of the world, 

i would definitely move back to utah to be with my mom.

and my dog, chubbs.

plus all of my friends,

which i would hug and thank them for making me who i am today.

a certain someone would come to me,

and i wouldn't let go of his hand until the end.

i would make sure we did everything we could.

probably fly back to see his family in the end, too.

i've always wanted to see england.

my last moments, i would be hugging my spongebob pillow,

and hugging him,

while i cried my tears out over the world.

everything that could have been.

all of the children, all of the stories that were untold.

people that didn't get to be with their families for the end.

my tears would be for them.

and for my own life,

for what i didn't take advantage of,

everything that i didn't go out and do.

so many feelings. 

sigh.

i really hope the end of the world doesn't happen this year.

but it's still at the back of my mind.

even if the news doesn't talk about it,

or the internet doesn't have it everywhere you click.

now that i have a reason to be happy,

a reason to actually live the rest of my life,

i don't want it to end.

especially if there are zombies involved.