weakness.

i don't want to be weak.

using alcohol as an escape.

a stress reliever, an excuse

to act a certain way or do certain things.

i don't want to be weak.

by calling other people out by drinking.

it's their own choice, their own decision.

although i know it's not good for them,

i'm not going to tell them how to live their life.

and in return, i'd ask them not to tell me how to live mine.

i don't want to be weak.

i want know what i'm doing at all times,

be aware of a cute boy hitting on me,

or a perverted old guy giving me those eyes.

and i want to be able to tell the difference.

i don't want to be weak.

and tell people that i love that i'm better than them.

or that they are better than me.

i don't want to be weak.

so weak that i jump off a cliff just because

everyone else is doing it.

just because they are funny and happy when they drink

doesn't mean i will be.

i don't want to be weak.

and disappoint people that i look up to.

i want to look up to people with a smile

and not look down into a toilet while they help me.

i don't want to be weak.

i want to be strong.

alcohol is for the weak

hearted

spirited

and bodied.

do you want to be weak?

disappointment.

my sister and i fight,

she hurts my feelings,

won't apologize for it,

and she's the one not talking to me?

i'm sorry i'm

a child

irresponsible

with no job,

disrespectful

spoiled

suffer from low self esteem

and depression.

i learn from the best.

became of you.

"i was talking to myself about you the other day, we were wondering what became of you."

the beauty of a rose.

the beauty of a rose.

the velvet feel of every petal,

telling a different story with every touch.

reaching out as the sun shines down upon it,

singing it's life through the bush.

the love it feels as the touch of the bumble's spread the excitement,

to other flowers away from the bush,

telling them of the wonderful things to come.

when the water comes from above and refreshes all,

the green leaves take in all the change and embrace it,

spreading it through the cluster as a fresh disease.

the strength of the stem, the beauty of it,

how it curves, turns, spirals,

bends and entices with every branch.

the thorns that tell you of the rose's past,

how it's been broken,

been hurt, and had to defend itself somehow,

against the wars of the world.

the people that don't just stop to smell,

but to also touch.

and that you must be prepared to handle the rose.

handle the beauty, the smell, the secret power.

one wrong touch and you're sent into a world of hurt,

forever remembering that one time,

that one regret,

when you mistreated that rose.

the roots that hold the rose to the world,

keep the rose grounded to have a strong stem,

strong petals,

and a strong smell.

a smell to bring you close, to make you beg.

that smell that everyone longs for, but hardly gets.

only for special reasons, at special times.

the rose forgives all, loves all, believes all.

gives hope to many.

never take the beauty of a rose for granted.

you can look, but be careful when you touch.

the bumble's protect it and keep it alive.

the leaves give it nourishment and love.

the bush gives it a place to be comfortable.

the branches give it strength to grow to it's full potential.

when you take a rose from all of that,

it's under your protection.

you must love it.

you must make it comfortable, give it strength.

only then..

will you realize...

the beauty of a rose.

romancing the stone.

as you all probably know,

i role play.

i explained it already, so i don't need to.

but it's just interesting to me.

i have four boy characters and one girl.

it's easier for me to play men.

because i know how i want them to be.

and how i don't want them to be.

the girl is just like me, pretty much.

with the same insecurities and quirks.

but she's prettier.

anyways.

all of my boy characters have a girl that they're with.

two of them are in love.

one is married, and the other just proposed.

i know i'll sound crazy.

but their thoughts are completely different from mine.

i'll be walking around my house,

and something reminds me of them.

or if someone says something,

i'll have different responses from my characters in my head.

they're all completely different people.

even if they all reside in my head, they're different.

all the movies, people i've met, songs i've listened to...

that's where they come from.

and it's interesting for me when they're in love.

i'm pretty sure i don't know what love is.

no, i'm positive i don't.

never felt it.

i've seen it, but it's not like you can learn from that.

love is something you have to feel to believe.

i could become a hermit and hate on love.

but i don't.

anyways.

it's weird for my two guy characters to be in love.

and have their thoughts of the ones they love,

lingering in my mind.

it's amazing how they think of them.

it makes me jealous.

i want someone to think of me that way.

alright, call me crazy.

that's just so mind blowing to me.

how i don't know what love is, but they do.

anyways. 

i'm done confiding in you.

i'm going camping soon.

wee!

inception.

i don't know why i called this inception.

it has absolutely nothing to do with what i'm going to write.

well, i just returned from girl's camp.

that was technically my 'last' girl's camp.

i've been about five or six times.

one i remember it snowed really bad.

another time i got a tick on my sweatshirt.

there was one time that i came home and my mom called me ugly.

and then there was last year, with a lot of drama.

this year?

it was amazing.

i almost cried every day.

just for the fact that i didn't want to leave.

then i wrote letters for all my leaders and all the young women.

just telling them how much i loved them, how much they meant to me.

i hope they liked those letters.

stayed up until two in the morning the last night.

didn't want it to end.

the spirit was strong, and i'm glad i got to go.

but i don't think it was really my last.

other than that, i am really disappointed in myself.

not for a reason you think.

unless you know me really well, then you might know.

i just... i long for romance.

not even romance, really.

i long for someone to be there.

for someone to talk to.

someone that i don't talk to all the time to share my feelings with.

but that someone has to be a really good friend.

i started crying at girl's camp thinking about this.

because, if you have read my blog in the past,

you know that i feel my love with hugs.

i just need a massive amounts of hugs.

not from my girl friends.

from my guy friends.

because for some reason their hugs are better.

make me feel safe, and cared for, and appreciated all at the same time.

so when i think that my best guy friends hardly ever hug me,

it hurts my feelings.

am i that intimidating?

do i come off as a butch or something like that?

you can't touch me?

i don't understand.

but it's driving me up the wall.

because i want that.

i feel like i just need to let go and everything will be okay.

not have such high expectations of everything.

but when i am a hopeless romantic,

i'm hardly ever happy.

maybe i should change that.

the only way i think i can change that...

is by having a romance that is actually a good one.

but with that romance, i have a feeling i won't like someone new.

like the person i'm going to marry...

which is creepy in itself to think about.

people my age are married.

my mom already had a child when she was my age.

anyways, the person i'm going to marry...

i feel like i already know them.

you know? when you get that strange feeling of the future?

maybe it's just wishful thinking that i marry someone i already know.

i'm not sure. it just. bugs me sometimes.

i know i'm not getting married for at least two years.

until then, we'll see who comes along.

maybe i'll end up eloping or something.

that would be interesting.

like a... dream within a dream? (;