may i count the times you've made me smile?
compare that to the times you've made me cry?
hello again, my sweet friend.
it's been a while, once again.
here i am, living back in utah with my mother.
it's been a while since i've been back.
the love of my life came and stayed with me for two months.
that was probably the best two months,
of my entire existence.
we did so many fun things, saw so many great things.
the world was our oyster and we were taking the pearl.
of course, all great things had to come to an end.
he traveled back and left me here.
i felt alone, the distance was something i had forgotten.
it was miserable and it ruined me.
i got a new job at a dental office here,
only to get fired because of "personal issues"...
what are those personal issues?
well, i happened to get diagnosed with depression,
and anxiety.
the depression wasn't something that i was surprised about.
the anxiety... yeah.
i suppose it explained why i was worrying all of the time,
over small little things that didn't need to be worried about.
all of those worries pushed my love away from me.
and we broke up.
it was the hardest thing in my life, and it still is.
i wish i could have done things differently.
now i'm back here with my friends.
trying to fill my empty life with something worth living for.
so i don't lose my hope,
that i so often lose.
my dearest chubbs, truly is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
of course, he's a dog.
but i couldn't ask for anything more.
my two darling best friends are the one and only things keeping me sane.
they are always there for me and remind me of things i forget.
i don't know what i would do without them in my life.
they're going through their own hard times, and believe me,
i'll take care of them.
i'll push for them. and i'll be there one hundred percent.
because that's what best friends do. and that's what i want to be.
i've never been so low in my entire life.
it's difficult to make it through the day.
usually i can put on a fake smile, and just fake it.
but lately... i really don't see the reason to.
now everyone knows that i'm messed up,
i have nothing to hide anymore.
i think that makes it worse.
now i can just cry whenever i want and people understand.
but that doesn't make it any easier.
i don't know what i want from them, i just don't.
i wish you could make me happy, i do.
but don't ask if there is something you can do.
do what you know i'd be happy for you to do.
talk to me. make me laugh.
talk about your own life, and not about mine.
trust me, i'm sick of my own life enough.
every day it's harder and harder to survive.
i'm going to see a therapist...
in a month.
i was so disappointed.
someone's on the edge of the cliff and the therapist can't help them,
a month later.
i'm almost certain that a month is too long,
and it'll be really difficult to keep myself sane.
most of the time i don't even want to be with friends.
even though i know they'll make me feel better and make things okay.
ugh, i hate writing about my feelings like this.
i just sound like a sob story that is boring as crap.
i'll stop then.
goodbye for now?
or is that too soon to say?
